This is 38.

So since it’s my b-day (Hey fellow Gemini's!) I figured I’d compile and share a little list with you all of a few of the most important things I’ve learned in life thus far.

(BTW blogging and IG-ing is fun for me. I always imagined if I were to have kids that growing up they would get to see an online scrapbook of my life. So if anything this could potentially be a cool post for my future kid(s) to read. Kind of like, “oh Mom is talking about something other than her coffee, her new candles, sharks, yoga, her travels or the clothing brands she likes, cool!” Let’s just hope that if I ever do have any that they don’t come across my posts on vagina steaming or Brazilian waxing but that’s neither here nor there...!) 😅

Ok so here’s what I got:

FIRST, you are going to get criticized no matter what you do, so do your thing! This is number one for a reason. No matter where I’ve been in life people have criticized me. If I had listened to every piece of negative feedback, I’d be like sitting in a dark cellar counting flies on the wall, drooling. We’ve all been criticized at one time or another. You gotta do what you gotta do, & either way someone, somewhere will have something to say. If you don’t want to be criticized, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing. SECOND, don't be an asshole. We’ve all been there. I had a moment where I was in the post office a few months back. I was grumpy, irritable, & annoyed at something going on with politics. When I got to the counter, I snapped at the man working because he was taking a long time. Immediately I regretted it and guilt consumed my whole body…so I apoligized sincerely. I still go to that post office & now we’ve become friendly. Being a bitch is nasty. Smile, be gracious, be kind, & be humble! THIRD, you just never know. Don’t judge until you’ve walked in someone’s shoes. Some assume they know everything about me because a lot of my life is documented through social media. They don’t. In fact, they don’t know 80% of my past or my life. I have had MANY bumps in the road. MANY. Most do not know my deepest pains, inner fears and struggles & that’s ok with me but to judge without knowing isn’t logical. Life online looks flawless, #blessed, & glamourous. Don’t judge a book by it's cover because you never know. FOURTH, you can’t change people. This was probably the hardest thing for me for a while.  I’ve had my moments of wanting to control the outcome of any family drama, relationships, friendships, work, etc. This year I’ve realized that ‘it is what it is’. Me trying to control the situation & change people into something they’re not is counterproductive & absolutely pointless. It’s a waste of breath! People are who they are. This year I’ve become more accepting especially because you never know the whole story. People are set in their ways for their own reasons. FIFTH, there’s never a “right” time for anything. Book the trip, ask him/her out, launch the business — and most importantly, live on purpose. Just f-ing do it! SIXTH, diets suck. A healthy diet is where it’s at. 🥳. A diet is like an ex-boyfriend that you don’t want to text when you’re drunk. You text him & then regret it afterwards. Diets give you that empty feeling once they stop working. It’s a quick fix & high with short term results. Sticking to healthy living, wellness remedies, green juice, weekly workouts, water, oils, herbs, clean foods, & good vibes is a long term, sustainable goal. Balance is key! SEVENTH, no one is going to do anything for you. If you want something to happen, get off your butt & make it happen. A fairy godmother isn’t going to come create a dream career for you because you went to an expensive college…life is what you make of it. If you want to be a home & work spaces designer, go for it. It’s not going to fall into your lap. If you want to be in a better relationship, work on yours or get out & say BYE. If you want to do good in the world, then do good. Opportunities usually don’t just fall from the sky, you gotta make em happen! And lastly, worry is like a rocking chair. It gets you no where! If someone would have told me this more often at 20, I would have had much less stress and anxiety (like the real terrifying kind where you don’t know wtf is happening throughout your body) throughout my life so far. Worrying is pointless. Whenever I start worrying about something I cannot control, I shift my focus. Life is going to flow how it flows.

Thank you for stopping by and for all the thoughtful birthday wishes today. My heart is full! 💓

Cheers to the next 365… together!

X💗
Christy 

I keep breaking my own heart, turning down opportunities by seeking the wrong thing.

I recently had an unexpected offer for a job at a lunch I went to that would be fulfilling one of my many childhood dreams - designing living spaces. Great salary, my own office, good benefits— almost everything I was looking for! Finally, I thought to myself. The hunt I've been choosing to stay on for so long was worth it. 

The chairman asked that I work out of the office and somewhat out of his home, but there would be no remote option. Fantastic with me, assuming the space was a creative office environment that I’m used to (very important to me) with likeminded people to interact with. And that I’m also comfortable in his home. I asked to go see the space I’d be in first before signing any papers. 

I showed up today feeling lost. ‘This can’t be it,’ I said to myself. The office was inside an old run down building smack dab in the center of strip club and sex shop lane near the Vegas Strip. I thought, ‘ok maybe the rent is just cheap for them here. Maybe it will be nice inside with awesome people. Who cares about the area. Bummed I won’t feel comfortable taking walks around here lol- but nothing's perfect.' 

I walk in. It smelled odd, one bathroom, and the office ‘team’ was 5 people, all of which were men over the age of 60. When I went to shake their hands and make eye contact, they looked at me as if they wanted to eat me for lunch. One guy didn’t even make it to my eyes. 

I don’t want to feel like I need to wear a potato sack bag to work in order to feel comfortable. I want respect. I give that out, I deserve it too. I also don’t want to work in a jail cell. That’s literally what came to mind when I was shown where I will be. I’m a creative soul- It helps tremendously to be in a creative space to do what I do. I wanted to offer to re-design their office space for them lol, but then I looked around at the people I’d be working with and realized it wasn’t worth suggesting. Empty Cheetos and McDonalds wrappers everywhere all over their messy desks and one was wearing a shirt that appeared like it hadn’t been washed in weeks. What’s happening here? This is supposedly a commercial real estate company. How come they don't value the benefits of looking polished and professional at work? I was beyond confused with many parts of my visit.

I don’t want any of this to come across as if I'm better than everyone or that I’m judgmental spoiled or ungrateful for opportunity.  I’ve had my share of working in lousy work environments and they didn’t last long with me. I was a project manager for years herding cats all day so I don’t put up with much. The space and the team is often what makes much of my 9-5 line of work enjoyable. I’ve also had my share with sexual harassment in the work space and now I certainly know one when I see one without even speaking to them first. 

I'm not sure why exactly, the obvious probably and also my time of the month and job hunt/fail depression kicking in.... tears started to fill my eyes. I couldn’t take it. I was ready in less than a minute to run to my car and cry. The pay was sooo good. Finally a job with good money here. But I couldn’t, once again, bring myself to take an offer. For the first time in a while, I felt money wasn’t my main priority. If it was, I would have taken it. My heart was telling me right then and there that my happiness is more important than money.

I continuously keep breaking my own heart turning down other offers too. Aside from this role, I turned down several other offers (from great companies) due to a combination of work-life balance and salary issues.

I’ve worked very hard to get where I am right now with many of these companies and actually be GETTING offers. I’m beyond frustrated with myself to find myself a blubbering, agonizing mess who rejects good (well, aside from today's) jobs that ‘college me’ would have jumped at.

I have friends that seem to have no problem with a lower salary or a boring work environment or care who they work with. They’d jump at the chance to be paid for whatever they are offered. I go back and forth from feeling something is seriously wrong with me to feeling that my environment, the role, teammates, quality of life and pay are all valid reasons to turn down jobs, but I’m getting soooo tired. Tired of applying. Tired of getting rejected. Tired of rejecting them. Repeat.

I’m tired looking for the right fit. The right relationship. Tired is an understatement. But you know what? I’m not going to enter a relationship right off the bat with deal breaker doubts. I can’t feel guilty for that. I want to be crazy about it. To have this insatiable desire to do whatever it takes to make amazing things happen and be willing to put in the work to get there. Own it and be so passionate about it that I no longer feel the need (at least for a while) to seek what’s better out there. Jobs aren’t marriages I know and they usually aren’t forever but I’m not looking for a fling. I’m looking for the long term thing. I want the relationship. 

So here I am... back at it again. Maybe today happened for a reason. To allow me to feel the pain I felt.  Something that I have been needing to feel hard for a long time.  Money matters, but not the most. If I had to choose only one, I now ACTUALLY believe that feeling joy is more important than feeling security. 💗 #seeking #mrjobright 

Being Real Matters More than Being the Best

"Has anyone ever told you that you have an amazing honesty quality about you? It's quite comforting. You're the only person on IG who is doing the opposite of posting boat and private plane pics. It's rare."

That would be amazing if I could share photos like that. Like if I actually DID own a boat or DID own my own plane. Those are big accomplishments. I share when I eat like a pig or punish myself when I have my moments of binging on Netflix. I'm open about how hard it's been trying to find my dream job. I talk openly about my hair thinning, my endo journey, and I drop too many pics of me hiking because I'm obsessed with nature. Or if it's not that it's photos of interiors or a really cool candle or that perfect foam top on my coffee. All of this is ordinary and boring compared to yachts and planes. I have to say though that for the first time in a long time I thoroughly enjoy embracing and sharing my ordinary real self with the world, regardless of how regular it is.

Everything that individual said to me in the quote above is true lately but there was a time where that wasn't so true. Who you surround yourself with can have A LOT to do with what influences your choices and actions. Hanging with your gal pal and going to take photos outside of fancy hotels, on yachts, in sports cars or at private lounges all just to look rich and successful got exhausting and depressing for me. I could never afford to stay the night at a 5 star hotel, rent a yacht for a day, drive a ferrari or join a private members only club.  So why was I doing this? I was lying to myself and others. Was it to make myself feel successful in the LA kind of way? Or to make others think so? For attention? To fit in? 

People love all the blingy boujee stuff it seems. All the likes and attention are toward the extravagant lifestyle photos in your lingerie and Louboutins, not the one of your coffee latte heart you made or the picture of the cool cactus you saw. Those things are so regular. Ordinary. Plus there's nothing sexy about either (sex sells). But people also love authenticity and being real. There are different kinds of people drawn to different things. Eventually you will come to a place where you wont give two fucks about what EVERYONE thinks. Or what ANYONE thinks. You will finally feel comfortable and happy in your own skin and find joy in sharing your life for EXACTLY how it is. That's when you'll start to see the good fruit.  The only apples left will be the the ones that actually matter!

I've been alone more throughout this past year and even though it's had its downsides, a positive thing about it all is that it's allowed me to spend more time with me. Less distraction, less about doing things that I never loved doing in the first place and more about the things in life that I enjoy and are meaningful.

Not everything has to be perfect. In order for others to feel like you’re being real, you must actually, well, be real. It’s okay to share things without a filter or post about challenges and struggles. Of course there’s a fine line here as you don’t want to present yourself in a negative way, but being open and honest goes a long way in establishing AUTHENTICITY. Being honest can seem like an insurmountable task, but it boils down to just being yourself. It's really easy actually. Your life doesn't have to be perfectly manicured to be amazing.

Let your Light Shine

So I have this neighbor that always waves to me when I see him outside biking past his house. I said to him today “Good morning! You are always so happy and gleeful when I see you! What’s your secret?” 

He yelled, “Seeing you every day!” 

(Blushing...)

 

Then he said, “No but really, you are the happiest girl in the neighborhood always riding your bike relaxed looking like a cheerful sea otter listening to your tunes, it’s inspiring and your energy gets me excited! I just want to get outside and go climb a mountain when I see you!” 

It’s so funny hearing this because I feel like his jolly red cheeky grin makes me light up and smile, but it turns out I was apart of bringing that energy out of him and he was apart of bringing out mine.

Not only is choosing joy in life and creating a positive energy contagious, but this way of living can start to become second nature for us. You'll start to feel joy and be joy, vs. look for the joy. 

He asked me what excites me in life. As if he wanted to go do whatever I said after I shared. Ha ha.  I told him, “I don’t live an exciting life but little things in life excite me. Like the way my coconut milk gets fluffy after mixing it or how much I love being able to take my daily bike rides.”

We chatted a bit longer. He shared how he gets excited when a burger is going on the grill and the smell it creates (I agree) and the way his engine sounds when he starts up his old porche. He ended our morning chat with, “You are a light my dear. I hope you are receiving all the desires of your sweet heart. You deserve it!” Then he walked back inside. 

I cried a little when I rode away. Wth, my emotional time of the month is over. Hmm. Maybe it’s because the biggest desires of my heart haven’t been given to me yet. I got a little sad for a second but it made me feel really good to see that I was being seen as a positive light. That is all I want to ever be! No matter if I'm having an up or down day because you never know who you may cheer up by just smiling at them. 

I thought more about what excites me. Think about it and then watch your own face light up! I love the way clean sheets feel. I love it when a flat road becomes a steep hill, how my parent's dog's legs turn into a wishbone when she’s laying on her stomach, hot eucalyptus showers, grey foggy beach days, a nights sleep after a hot yoga class, the way your lover holds your head when they kiss you or how they look you in the eyes, the sound of birds chirping outside, or the way that creme brûlée top cracks when your spoon hits it, and a million more little things that are really just so huge in life! 

Whatever excites you, these are things that God wants you to notice, love, and appreciate. They are little daily gifts from him. And when you think about how many we get and get to give every day, it's not easy to keep a smile off your face or the light shining from within you. 

The Fine Line Between Trusting Doctors, and Trusting Yourself

When I moved here a few months ago I had to get an annual exam that was due, which lead to having to get some unexpected biopsies, which then lead to my surgery I had done yesterday. 

I found out (from what the surgeon had shared with my mom after my surgery) that I have stage three endometriosis. He also removed what appeared to be the same pesky fibroid in the exact same spot as my last one was, that grew back since my last surgery. I knew something was there all along.  That thing has been holding onto my uterus for dear life and doesn’t seem to ever want to let go. Maybe it doesn’t want me to ever be alone. (eyes rolling). Ive learned that I just have to stay on it. Because a lot doctors may not. Ive also learned that you must be your own advocate. I’ll find out more in detail the rest of my results and my treatment plan to keep the endometriosis under control at my post op in a few weeks. The surgeon told my mom, “I can’t believe her last surgeon didn’t catch all this endo. If he would have Christina wouldn’t be as severe as she is now.” Maybe it developed afterwards. Or, perhaps my last surgeon did miss it. I don’t know. 

 

All I know now is that I’m so thankful finally for some movement. Something other than ‘you are fine,’ when I wasn’t. For going with my gut on seeking a more aggressive approach to stay in control of my health. I’m grateful for finding this doctor and his advice of the importance of having this done. He said to me before my surgery, something no doctor has ever said. “ Christina, you are not crazy. You must trust your pain is trying to tell you something. Let’s first and foremost find out what’s going on. We need to get you BETTER! Then we can discuss fertility later. He was so right. For me, what matters the most is feeling better and getting healthy. As for the past doctor and to his defense, I would like to have kids and I wouldn’t want to do something that would lessen my chances of that happening especially at my age. BUT, I'm come to the conclusion that taking care of myself now is more important than anything else, even that. 

I wish all doctors could see this message. "Never dismiss or undervalue your patients.  Even the ‘crazy ones’ that keep coming back. They aren’t crazy. They are trying to tell you something is wrong. They need your help."

This is such a personal thing and I wasn’t going to share it, but after following some IG accounts of women who have struggled with everything from Endo, to ovarian cysts, fibroids, childbirth complications, hormone issues, cervical problems to cancer, and sharing their journeys giving strength to others through their posts, I wanted to do the same. 

We shouldn’t have to let our issues pile up internally and pretend every thing is fine when it isn’t. It’s about time we ditched being caught up in the binds of modesty and talk about this stuff. By doing so you could be offering comfort, answers, and helpful information to someone else going through similar things.  Sometimes all we need is some insight, a positive message, and a little light to give us the kick we needed to trust ourselves all along. 💛

Giving up vs. Knowing when to Quit

Ever since I can remember, fashion for the longest time was the love of my life. I was the girl whose idols were Cindy Crawford and Calvin Klein at age 10 and who was reading Architectural Digest and Elle over my pop tarts before school. I vividly remember watching Jennifer Anniston in FRIENDS (AKA Rachel the buyer at Ralph Lauren) and being incomprehensibly jealous. I could not imagine doing anything else with my life besides fashion. I wasn’t very book smart— but being voted ‘best dressed’ in high school... it seemed to be the only logical choice for me and it was what everyone assumed I would do. 

Anyone who either works in the fashion industry or knows someone who does understands that it is a nearly impossible bubble to break into, and to do so requires dedication, hard work, and asking more of yourself physically and mentally than you ever thought possible. It was even harder, especially when I was at FIDM and after I graduated, to get anywhere in the fashion world without some kind of amazing family/friend/career advisor connection.

Getting a job in any field was difficult enough at the time, particularly in the creative fields, but I was willing to do whatever it took to achieve my fashion dreams.

I started interning at Giorgio Armani PR office on Rodeo Drive before the big fashion internship lawsuits, meaning there was no limit to what I was asked to do. I was constantly prettifying the showroom and got celebrities coffee at 8am, even on Saturday mornings, flipped through 50 magazines at a time tabbing photos of who wore us to the Oscars, cleaned bathrooms on my hands and knees, and ran errands for hours on end hardly allowing any time to ever eat lunch. And those are just the highlights. Yes, cleaning bathrooms and sweeping floors were not (and still aren’t) my favorite activities, but I knew that if I just kept on working hard, I would eventually be a part of the industry I so desperately strived for.

I interned in this manner for a while, learning a ton along the way and working throughout six fashion weeks, which was my favorite part — the adrenaline, clothes, backstage buzz, and seeing the editors, designers and stylists I had admired for much of my life made everything I was doing totally worth it. 

I ended up working for a PR firm in Hollywood. My experience there was one of the most demanding experiences I have ever had in my fashion journey. I worked 12 hour days for minimum wage (but hey, at least I was getting paid!) and most of those hours were spent carrying 20 pound bags of clothes back and forth to other showrooms, all paid for by myself and with hardly any food. I was barely eating, I lost a ton of weight. But I got to assist dressing Julia Roberts, Lisa Kudrow, Charlize Theron, Billy Crystal to name a few... and lived for moments like when I got to have a conversation with the amazing Sam Jackson. I’ll never forget his deep majestic voice from across the room... “ My you are one fiiiine lookin young lady.” I could barely speak. Or when Pierce Brosnen wanted to set me up with his son. I felt like I was just supposed to be there. I felt... important. 

After almost a year in this industry, I landed a different job working as an assistant to the Personal Shoppers at 5th Avenue club at Saks — and this was where things began to change. I had worked for years to get there. My goal after school was to become a wardrobe stylist...and it was hard for me to accept how much I actually didn’t love it, regardless of the exciting interactions with the Beckhams and the Hiltons, something just wasnt ticking. Some of the people I worked there with were catty, mean, and treated me like shit, for lack of a better word.

All of this was made worse by the guilt I constantly felt, having finally gotten the job I always dreamed of — only to be miserable when I finally got there.

I will say this: that job — and all the jobs I worked in fashion before moving into another field— were the greatest learning experiences I have ever had, both as a professional and as a person. I learned more than I can put into words from those places — about myself, the public relations, retail and styling industries, and what it means to be a young professional in this world, as well as a young woman. That said, I was completely miserable.

I was so unhappy that after a certain point I could not function. Everything was a constant competition and nothing was collaborative. People were constantly screaming and finding things wrong, no matter what anyone did. I also had an unhealthy relationship with my boss — one minute we would be best friends and “like sisters” and the next minute she would be calling me worthless. Things kept on getting worse and worse and finally came to a head when I started having almost daily panic attacks about six months in. 

After months of abuse, tears, and anxiety attacks, I came to an important realization. I always thought that by age 28, I would be working in fashion, impressing everyone around me and back where I’m from, and have a promising career trajectory ahead of me. I realized that I was exactly where I thought I would be at my age, and I was at a crossroads. I could keep going on the path in front of me and force myself to continue what I was doing, or I could finally listen to what my heart had been telling me for so long now. The industry I had worked to be in my entire life wasn’t for me, and I couldn’t stay.  

This crossroads is one that people from all walks of life face at some point on their journey — what you thought you wanted to do, and who you thought you were going to be, is not always where you will end up.

A passion you were happy to dedicate your life to can remain just that: a passion, and not a career. You can still take time for your hobbies and pursue what interests you — without relying on them to pay the rent.

The fashion world has increasingly becoming one full of so-called “influencers” — people who exemplify turning what you love most into a full-time job. However, they also epitomize a lack of the elusive “work-life-balance.” Being constantly photographed and constantly immersed in what you love, 24/7 (basically making a living by being yourself) is a surefire way to ensure you won’t love it for very much longer — a lesson I learned firsthand when I reached a stage of almost complete burnout.  

I decided to move on to work in real estate design corporate EA and PM roles, not working with any fashion clients at all, where I came to understand two very important things. One: there are work environments out there that pay you a livable wage and don’t make you break down every day, and two: I am actually good at my job and I still get to be creative.  I had always loved home design and creating spaces.  

In 2010 I began tasting food again, seeing colors again, and could finally breathe because I was able to get outside and go for a bikeride for longer than 15 minutes. I moved to the beach and turned into a completely different person. As it turns out, being in a better place in the work environment outside of fashion has allowed me to regain the love I had for the industry in the first place and actually enjoy doing other creative work on the side of my main work. 

Most importantly, I have learned hard, but vital lessons about the world and what it means to exist in it. People can take on different roles at different points in their lives and wear hats they never thought they would, or could, pull off. What you have worked your whole life to be, and spent years thinking you wanted, can be the very thing holding you back from what will make you the happiest. Leaving the fashion industry and what promised to be a long and successful career made me rediscover my love of fashion, art and design, and I will never look back. ❤  

Choosing the Wrong Men

Dear female flowers, 

Has anyone ever said to you “You aren’t choosing the right men.” ? (Think face…) How the heck do they know if that’s the case? One that is good for her is not good for another her. This has been said to me before and it didn’t sit well when I heard it.  I wasn’t sure if it stung because that may be the truth and I felt at fault for my relationship obstacles, or that I just felt offended. How do we really know from the beginning what guy is ‘right’ for each of us?

All the relationship advice in the world won’t make any difference if you in fact aren’t chasing what you truly want.  If something isn’t aligning… many of us see it yet don’t pay attention to that inner voice because we want the idea of something so bad and want to make it work regardless.  You can’t force someone to change and want what you want. We may convince ourselves that this is it, that he’s the one and we just need to make him see it.

If you’re hung up on a man who can’t commit, is mean to you, has baggage issues, a guy who you think would be perfect “if only” he changed such and such, then you’re setting yourself up to lose before you even begin, and you are blocking yourself from ever finding the love you want.

I’ve learned that the most important thing to do is build relationships slowly, emotionally.  I know, that’s not so sexy, but if you want to try and prevent yourself from getting hurt, you’ll need to learn how to use your head a little more than your heart, at least in the beginning. Your heart is the one that tells you it’s a great idea to go for the bad boy who’s just so dreamy, even when he’s out on parole and struggling with addictions, or has told you he won’t be in a committed relationship ever. Your heart convinces you. Your heart doesn’t operate according to reason or rational. It makes you do things that you later look back on and wonder, what was I thinking? But you weren’t thinking, that’s not what the heart does. I know I’m being mean to the heart. It does have its benefits, but that comes later. In the beginning of a relationship, it’s best to remain as objective as possible and try to keep your emotions mostly contained.

When your so lost on cloud 9, it can become problematic because you may end up relying too heavily on the relationship for your happiness.  If something shifts and you notice that this guy may not be right for you, you’ll be in too deep to get yourself out of the situation. You’ll instead rely on some cliché like “love conquers all” to justify staying with him.

Sometimes you make the mistake of getting caught up in how the guy feels about you rather than focusing on how you feel about him. Focus on how you feel about HIM. Take reality checks. Make sure you see him and the situation clearly. The best way to do this is to make sure you can recognize his flaws. The way you know you’re infatuated is if you see no flaws. Everyone has flaws. This all matters. ALOOOOT. I’ve seen (and personally experienced) situations where a couple breaks up after a long period of time because of some issue that was apparent right from the beginning—they’re different religions, want to live in different states, one person doesn’t want kids…blah blah. In every one of these situations, the couple believed that things would magically just work out. Imagine how much time and effort they would have saved and heartbreak they would have avoided had they been dating a little more with their heads instead of their hearts from the beginning!

Here are some things through life experience that I feel are important to ponder when in your relationship. Some things that make him a keeper… 💛

He loves your good qualities and accepts and embraces the bad without making you feel guilty for having flaws. You don’t need to hide your true self from him and put on a front in order to be what you think he wants. You can share your true self and be vulnerable and should feel safe doing so.

He is growth oriented. 

A growth-oriented guy will want to work to strengthen his character. A guy who isn’t growth oriented will say it’s your problem and that this is just the way he is and you need to deal with it.

He is there for you when you need him, even if it’s inconvenient for him. You can’t predict what will happen and nothing can possibly go as planned 100% of the time. He will be there for you when you need him. He will be in it with you; he will be your partner in whatever happens and will weather the storm with you, even though he might prefer to stay in the sunshine.

He considers you when making decisions, both big and small. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Factoring you in shows that he respects you and that he wants to create a life with you, not simply envelope you in his world. 

He has similar beliefs and values as yours.  For some, their values will be rooted in religion. Other people value a strong work ethic, while some value a commitment to a healthy lifestyle. This may sound trivial, but I’ve seen serious relationships end because one person couldn’t deal with the other’s lack of ambition or motivation. Love does not in fact conquer all. If you are not fundamentally compatible, you will face major hurdles ahead. 

He wants to make you happy.

Love is a selfless thing. If you love people because they make you feel great about yourself, then it isn’t real love. 

He communicates with you, even about tough issues and even if one of you is upset with the other. With the right guy, you won’t be afraid of bringing up certain things for fear of him exploding. You know he respects you and will see what you have to say as valid and important. Every relationship will face its share of obstacles. There will be fights, miscommunications, arguments, and also times when one partner isn’t feeling loved. The only way to emerge from the tough times better and stronger is to work through them together, and this starts with open communication.

The most Important Quality of All…

He wants to make it work. He’s willing to put in any amount of effort. If there is a problem, he wants to find a way to solve it. He wants to work harder, to be better, to be his best self. He might believe that working hard and being good at his job is putting in effort because he wants to provide for you and give you nice things and a comfortable lifestyle. (I use this as an example because it’s a classic point of contention between men and women: she will often view him working too much as him putting no effort into the relationship and being married to his work).

I have seen this scenario more than once: girl is dating a guy, things are going great (again, as they often do in the beginning), but then they hit that inevitable point of conflict. Whatever the reasons, suddenly things aren’t as seamless as they were the week before. The truth comes out after time goes on, when you let your guard down, when you can be more of yourselves instead of the absolute best version of yourselves. Even the best couples don’t seamlessly fit together. There is always a certain degree of work involved in order to create that deep and meaningful connection, and it has to come from both people.

When a guy is ready to settle down and sees you as a good potential partner, he wants to make it work. Women shouldn’t blame themselves when a relationship falls apart. They torture themselves with could haves and should haves. I should have been less needy, I should have been more agreeable; I could have been more supportive, etc. Yeah you could have done all that, but it wouldn’t have mattered if he wasn’t committed to making it work.

There will always be differences; there will always be problems. Some people have deal-breakers and that’s that. Maybe it’s religion, where to live, lifestyle preferences, or other values clashing. If you don’t trust him, there is no depth of connection, lack of respect, he brings out your worst, he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions, or he’s selfish to name a few examples– LET your GUT be your guide to these red flags and let him go. Then let your ego go along with it. But all the other stuff—personality quirks, your nature, your ways of interacting in social settings, your fundamental traits … either he’s in it or he’s not. And if he’s not, then there is nothing you can do.

Take away: Choice is everything. It will largely determine if a relationship succeeds and lasts or fails and leaves you broken-hearted. The good news is that you have the power to choose the man you let into your life from the start. ❤ #Happypicking 

Whatever will be will be...

Chemistry chemistry chemistry. In the last few weeks I've had three people tell me that chemistry is the key to a successful relationship. 

I beg to differ. It matters for sure and it's certainly important. But ideally chemistry won't make your relationship a success - and it also isn't absolutely necessary for success. After studying love for way too long now, it seems those who are intensely in love from the outset are only slightly more likely to have a good relationship. For example in India where arranged marriages are the norm and they’ll tell you it’s possible to grow to love someone. Almost any two people who feel at least some attraction for each other and who don't have too many deal breakers can work together to build psychological, romantic and physical intimacy that will get stronger over time. Leaning back to what I've shared in my previous blog posts, in that in the end, love is ultimately a choice.

Chemistry matters but success really blooms with the ones that can learn to communicate and are in reasonable mental health. Happiness is important at the beginning of relationships, but communication is key to keeping your happiness over time. Its boredom, not lack of chemistry, that I think is the ultimate relationship killer. To keep things exciting, keep doing new, fun and unexpected things together. Prioritize him. Her. Ask questions ad show interest. Re-imagine your sex life.  Schedule - dress up, and go out for date nights...or surprise them with something.  Whatever you choose, I promise you the effort will do wonders for you both. If it doesn't, that may be a door that is closed for reason and not meant for you. Another one is meant for you. There is a door open somewhere, for everyone, and someone perfect is meant just for you. You just have to trust yourself in order to know which door is right for you. 💫

HAPPY LOVE MONTH!

Happy Love Month!

Oh Love. What the hell is it, seriously?  I’m by no means an expert on the topic  - I’ve had my heart broken more than a couple of times. But, I’ve learned a few things along the way that have taught me what it means to be in love. More importantly, I’ve learned that love is an immeasurable force that can’t be reckoned with. We can’t force it. I used to think it was those butterflies. When in the first moments in meeting someone, the way our heart jumps out of our chests. All kisses and bliss. But I’ve learned that love is undefinable.  

When we look at our relationships, are we ‘in love’ in the beginning? Or are we just wrapped up in the attention we have from someone else... drawn to their souls, or their physical bodies? Are we in love with their spirits or the way they make us feel? It isn't just a feeling - it's an action, a manifestation of emotion, a choice, a moment of faith where we decide, with all of our selves, to be with and for that person no matter what.

For some reason I feel we’ve told ourselves that when we meet ‘the right’ person, they’ll fall into us so gently, so beautifully. That when we learn who we’re meant to be with everything will fall into place, like puzzle pieces finding their matches, like simplicity. 

But I'm starting to wonder if real love is actually complicated. Messy. Having to make decisions, love with action, be transparent with your thoughts and emotions, and continue to learn who someone is...and how that someone can fit into the chaos of our lives. 

It isn’t just two hands intertwined, or two bodies coming together in lust. It isn’t all being with someone who makes you laugh, or smiling as you go on dates, or kissing. It isn’t just moments that you remember, spots on a timeline in your life and it isn’t the person whom you feel the most comfortable around. Love isn’t even finding your ‘home.’ 

It’s pushing, day after day, to keep that ‘home’ feeling over time and through obstacles. It’s conflicting and confusing and a whole lot of change as you both grow, together and separate. It's a HUGE challenge. It’s meeting someone who pushes you to be greater and bigger than you were before. It’s finding someone who you see fighting battles with, and for. 

Love is imagining another person’s arm around your shoulders as you grow old. It’s seeing traveling, and parties and weddings and anniversaries with them by your side. It’s family and children, sprinkled around you. It’s the thought of ‘forever,’ as hard as that is to actually visualize. But the challenges that come with these things—the messiness, the confusion, the fear, the failure, the faults you will both carry forward and learn to battle in a relationship with one another. It is a choice, a decision, an action.  A movement towards another, despite what stands in your way or tries to break you apart. 

I think it means accepting another person in the strongest way possible. It means supporting them in anything and everything, even when you may not agree on the situation. It means not looking for something better or seeing what’s out there. 

It means screaming at the top of your lungs sometimes.  Caring so damn much about that other person that you can’t help but become furious when your relationship is called into question. It means fighting to get it back.

It means always being your organic self and never shifting to fit another person’s standard. Maybe it means waiting for the stars to align. 

Sometimes love means disappointment. Broken hearts and red teary eyes. It means taking a shot on someone and being let down...learning the hard way that you can’t make someone love you.

Love, I believe once it finds you, is worth every fleeting moment of highs and lows. Although it may fade, it never gives up on you. Love that leaves isn't lost; it will find you again someday, perhaps when you least expect it or maybe when you really want it to. Love doesn’t play by anyone else’s rules. 

Love means letting yourself go. Giving in. 

Love means taking chances. Its taken me a long time to ponder all of this through and wonder if when people ask 'Oh wow, how do you two stay together for so long, whats your secret,' to a couple thats been together 50 years and they answer 'Its a choice we make every day, to stay,'  that perhaps this thing called love isn't actually as challenging as some of us may think it is to experience. We just need to start seeing differently and challenging our own selves more... with one that we think is worth it. 💖