Let your Light Shine

So I have this neighbor that always waves to me when I see him outside biking past his house. I said to him today “Good morning! You are always so happy and gleeful when I see you! What’s your secret?” 

He yelled, “Seeing you every day!” 

(Blushing...)

 

Then he said, “No but really, you are the happiest girl in the neighborhood always riding your bike relaxed looking like a cheerful sea otter listening to your tunes, it’s inspiring and your energy gets me excited! I just want to get outside and go climb a mountain when I see you!” 

It’s so funny hearing this because I feel like his jolly red cheeky grin makes me light up and smile, but it turns out I was apart of bringing that energy out of him and he was apart of bringing out mine.

Not only is choosing joy in life and creating a positive energy contagious, but this way of living can start to become second nature for us. You'll start to feel joy and be joy, vs. look for the joy. 

He asked me what excites me in life. As if he wanted to go do whatever I said after I shared. Ha ha.  I told him, “I don’t live an exciting life but little things in life excite me. Like the way my coconut milk gets fluffy after mixing it or how much I love being able to take my daily bike rides.”

We chatted a bit longer. He shared how he gets excited when a burger is going on the grill and the smell it creates (I agree) and the way his engine sounds when he starts up his old porche. He ended our morning chat with, “You are a light my dear. I hope you are receiving all the desires of your sweet heart. You deserve it!” Then he walked back inside. 

I cried a little when I rode away. Wth, my emotional time of the month is over. Hmm. Maybe it’s because the biggest desires of my heart haven’t been given to me yet. I got a little sad for a second but it made me feel really good to see that I was being seen as a positive light. That is all I want to ever be! No matter if I'm having an up or down day because you never know who you may cheer up by just smiling at them. 

I thought more about what excites me. Think about it and then watch your own face light up! I love the way clean sheets feel. I love it when a flat road becomes a steep hill, how my parent's dog's legs turn into a wishbone when she’s laying on her stomach, hot eucalyptus showers, grey foggy beach days, a nights sleep after a hot yoga class, the way your lover holds your head when they kiss you or how they look you in the eyes, the sound of birds chirping outside, or the way that creme brûlée top cracks when your spoon hits it, and a million more little things that are really just so huge in life! 

Whatever excites you, these are things that God wants you to notice, love, and appreciate. They are little daily gifts from him. And when you think about how many we get and get to give every day, it's not easy to keep a smile off your face or the light shining from within you. 

The Fine Line Between Trusting Doctors, and Trusting Yourself

When I moved here a few months ago I had to get an annual exam that was due, which lead to having to get some unexpected biopsies, which then lead to my surgery I had done yesterday. 

I found out (from what the surgeon had shared with my mom after my surgery) that I have stage three endometriosis. He also removed what appeared to be the same pesky fibroid in the exact same spot as my last one was, that grew back since my last surgery. I knew something was there all along.  That thing has been holding onto my uterus for dear life and doesn’t seem to ever want to let go. Maybe it doesn’t want me to ever be alone. (eyes rolling). Ive learned that I just have to stay on it. Because a lot doctors may not. Ive also learned that you must be your own advocate. I’ll find out more in detail the rest of my results and my treatment plan to keep the endometriosis under control at my post op in a few weeks. The surgeon told my mom, “I can’t believe her last surgeon didn’t catch all this endo. If he would have Christina wouldn’t be as severe as she is now.” Maybe it developed afterwards. Or, perhaps my last surgeon did miss it. I don’t know. 

 

All I know now is that I’m so thankful finally for some movement. Something other than ‘you are fine,’ when I wasn’t. For going with my gut on seeking a more aggressive approach to stay in control of my health. I’m grateful for finding this doctor and his advice of the importance of having this done. He said to me before my surgery, something no doctor has ever said. “ Christina, you are not crazy. You must trust your pain is trying to tell you something. Let’s first and foremost find out what’s going on. We need to get you BETTER! Then we can discuss fertility later. He was so right. For me, what matters the most is feeling better and getting healthy. As for the past doctor and to his defense, I would like to have kids and I wouldn’t want to do something that would lessen my chances of that happening especially at my age. BUT, I'm come to the conclusion that taking care of myself now is more important than anything else, even that. 

I wish all doctors could see this message. "Never dismiss or undervalue your patients.  Even the ‘crazy ones’ that keep coming back. They aren’t crazy. They are trying to tell you something is wrong. They need your help."

This is such a personal thing and I wasn’t going to share it, but after following some IG accounts of women who have struggled with everything from Endo, to ovarian cysts, fibroids, childbirth complications, hormone issues, cervical problems to cancer, and sharing their journeys giving strength to others through their posts, I wanted to do the same. 

We shouldn’t have to let our issues pile up internally and pretend every thing is fine when it isn’t. It’s about time we ditched being caught up in the binds of modesty and talk about this stuff. By doing so you could be offering comfort, answers, and helpful information to someone else going through similar things.  Sometimes all we need is some insight, a positive message, and a little light to give us the kick we needed to trust ourselves all along. 💛

Giving up vs. Knowing when to Quit

Ever since I can remember, fashion for the longest time was the love of my life. I was the girl whose idols were Cindy Crawford and Calvin Klein at age 10 and who was reading Architectural Digest and Elle over my pop tarts before school. I vividly remember watching Jennifer Anniston in FRIENDS (AKA Rachel the buyer at Ralph Lauren) and being incomprehensibly jealous. I could not imagine doing anything else with my life besides fashion. I wasn’t very book smart— but being voted ‘best dressed’ in high school... it seemed to be the only logical choice for me and it was what everyone assumed I would do. 

Anyone who either works in the fashion industry or knows someone who does understands that it is a nearly impossible bubble to break into, and to do so requires dedication, hard work, and asking more of yourself physically and mentally than you ever thought possible. It was even harder, especially when I was at FIDM and after I graduated, to get anywhere in the fashion world without some kind of amazing family/friend/career advisor connection.

Getting a job in any field was difficult enough at the time, particularly in the creative fields, but I was willing to do whatever it took to achieve my fashion dreams.

I started interning at Giorgio Armani PR office on Rodeo Drive before the big fashion internship lawsuits, meaning there was no limit to what I was asked to do. I was constantly prettifying the showroom and got celebrities coffee at 8am, even on Saturday mornings, flipped through 50 magazines at a time tabbing photos of who wore us to the Oscars, cleaned bathrooms on my hands and knees, and ran errands for hours on end hardly allowing any time to ever eat lunch. And those are just the highlights. Yes, cleaning bathrooms and sweeping floors were not (and still aren’t) my favorite activities, but I knew that if I just kept on working hard, I would eventually be a part of the industry I so desperately strived for.

I interned in this manner for a while, learning a ton along the way and working throughout six fashion weeks, which was my favorite part — the adrenaline, clothes, backstage buzz, and seeing the editors, designers and stylists I had admired for much of my life made everything I was doing totally worth it. 

I ended up working for a PR firm in Hollywood. My experience there was one of the most demanding experiences I have ever had in my fashion journey. I worked 12 hour days for minimum wage (but hey, at least I was getting paid!) and most of those hours were spent carrying 20 pound bags of clothes back and forth to other showrooms, all paid for by myself and with hardly any food. I was barely eating, I lost a ton of weight. But I got to assist dressing Julia Roberts, Lisa Kudrow, Charlize Theron, Billy Crystal to name a few... and lived for moments like when I got to have a conversation with the amazing Sam Jackson. I’ll never forget his deep majestic voice from across the room... “ My you are one fiiiine lookin young lady.” I could barely speak. Or when Pierce Brosnen wanted to set me up with his son. I felt like I was just supposed to be there. I felt... important. 

After almost a year in this industry, I landed a different job working as an assistant to the Personal Shoppers at 5th Avenue club at Saks — and this was where things began to change. I had worked for years to get there. My goal after school was to become a wardrobe stylist...and it was hard for me to accept how much I actually didn’t love it, regardless of the exciting interactions with the Beckhams and the Hiltons, something just wasnt ticking. Some of the people I worked there with were catty, mean, and treated me like shit, for lack of a better word.

All of this was made worse by the guilt I constantly felt, having finally gotten the job I always dreamed of — only to be miserable when I finally got there.

I will say this: that job — and all the jobs I worked in fashion before moving into another field— were the greatest learning experiences I have ever had, both as a professional and as a person. I learned more than I can put into words from those places — about myself, the public relations, retail and styling industries, and what it means to be a young professional in this world, as well as a young woman. That said, I was completely miserable.

I was so unhappy that after a certain point I could not function. Everything was a constant competition and nothing was collaborative. People were constantly screaming and finding things wrong, no matter what anyone did. I also had an unhealthy relationship with my boss — one minute we would be best friends and “like sisters” and the next minute she would be calling me worthless. Things kept on getting worse and worse and finally came to a head when I started having almost daily panic attacks about six months in. 

After months of abuse, tears, and anxiety attacks, I came to an important realization. I always thought that by age 28, I would be working in fashion, impressing everyone around me and back where I’m from, and have a promising career trajectory ahead of me. I realized that I was exactly where I thought I would be at my age, and I was at a crossroads. I could keep going on the path in front of me and force myself to continue what I was doing, or I could finally listen to what my heart had been telling me for so long now. The industry I had worked to be in my entire life wasn’t for me, and I couldn’t stay.  

This crossroads is one that people from all walks of life face at some point on their journey — what you thought you wanted to do, and who you thought you were going to be, is not always where you will end up.

A passion you were happy to dedicate your life to can remain just that: a passion, and not a career. You can still take time for your hobbies and pursue what interests you — without relying on them to pay the rent.

The fashion world has increasingly becoming one full of so-called “influencers” — people who exemplify turning what you love most into a full-time job. However, they also epitomize a lack of the elusive “work-life-balance.” Being constantly photographed and constantly immersed in what you love, 24/7 (basically making a living by being yourself) is a surefire way to ensure you won’t love it for very much longer — a lesson I learned firsthand when I reached a stage of almost complete burnout.  

I decided to move on to work in real estate design corporate EA and PM roles, not working with any fashion clients at all, where I came to understand two very important things. One: there are work environments out there that pay you a livable wage and don’t make you break down every day, and two: I am actually good at my job and I still get to be creative.  I had always loved home design and creating spaces.  

In 2010 I began tasting food again, seeing colors again, and could finally breathe because I was able to get outside and go for a bikeride for longer than 15 minutes. I moved to the beach and turned into a completely different person. As it turns out, being in a better place in the work environment outside of fashion has allowed me to regain the love I had for the industry in the first place and actually enjoy doing other creative work on the side of my main work. 

Most importantly, I have learned hard, but vital lessons about the world and what it means to exist in it. People can take on different roles at different points in their lives and wear hats they never thought they would, or could, pull off. What you have worked your whole life to be, and spent years thinking you wanted, can be the very thing holding you back from what will make you the happiest. Leaving the fashion industry and what promised to be a long and successful career made me rediscover my love of fashion, art and design, and I will never look back. ❤