Holding on vs. Letting Go

I accepted a job with a company in August. I thought I found everything I wanted: challenging work that would leverage me to my goals, flexible hours, a fun group of people, a laid-back atmosphere, an opportunity that would relocate me back to dear friends and the ocean again and a short commute. ( I love the short commutes, especially in LA!) 

Things seemed to be perfect but soon I realized they weren’t. The job amongst other things werent what I wanted. I lost sleep for weeks thinking and contemplating what to do. When I finally exhausted myself enough to fall asleep one night, I had a dream. 

The next morning without hesitation, I decided to back out of what I had worked so hard to accomplish. 

When you quit something that is not for you, you take a healthy step toward joy and fulfillment but quitting can also produce guilt. Our society teaches us to “never give up.” If we’re “quitters,” we are supposed to feel bad about ourselves. We also hurt others along the way who we care about which for me being a people pleaser my whole life has kept me in scenarios longer than I should have stayed all because I didn't want to hurt the other person. I feel terrible but better. It feels like I got divorced after just getting married only a week ago. Others were involved, time, energy, and money was spent toward this process and because of these things I can't help but not care.  

It's easy to give up on things in life because of fear of the unknown or because someone said I should quit or because what I want to pursue is “too difficult.” If you leave your marriage for example because it’s “too difficult” to work things out with your spouse, or you stop writing because your mother said you’ll be another starving author, you might not only be making a decision you’ll regret but you’ll be more likely plagued by guilt.

Three of my top values are honesty, trust and respect. Push aside fear, negative self-talk, and outside influences. Are you in an environment, project, or relationship that violates your values? If so the guilt shouldn't feel so heavy when you rethinking about making a u-turn. There will always be someone who will tell you that you’re crazy for quitting, or that he or she knows someone who did what you did and ended up bankrupt or socially ostracized. You and God know why did what you needed to do and that should be what you focus on vs. the opinions of others who don't know the full story. 

It’s easy to fall into the trap of over analyzing, playing possible scenarios in your head, and wondering if you really did everything you could to avoid not sticking with something you just started. I spent nights lying awake, wondering whether I should have asked more questions in my interview or been more vocal about my goals but that all brought on more stress and negative emotions. Overanalyzing will take up valuable time you could be using to plan the next step in your career or personal life.

I’m now painting a detailed mental picture of what I want to achieve. When I really want something I find a way to get there. It doesn’t always end up right (as I'm always taking risks and they don't always work out how I wish they would, like in this situation) but knowing I will do everything I can to get there means a lot to myself in terms of my determination and ambition. I'm so grateful for having passion within me. I’ve shown myself I can do this in a few different scenarios (aside from this one) this year which brings me much encouragement and confidence for my next try. 

Stay true to yourself. Don't tuck those gifts away that God gave you in your pocket for 'someday. Start using them now.  ♥

"Just wait."

"You can't know how much I love you when you are your own provider.

For now, I need you to stop.

It's time to rest, to find your pace.

Come and be my daughter, and taste what it is to have enough." ✝

This is 38.

So since it’s my b-day (Hey fellow Gemini's!) I figured I’d compile and share a little list with you all of a few of the most important things I’ve learned in life thus far.

(BTW blogging and IG-ing is fun for me. I always imagined if I were to have kids that growing up they would get to see an online scrapbook of my life. So if anything this could potentially be a cool post for my future kid(s) to read. Kind of like, “oh Mom is talking about something other than her coffee, her new candles, sharks, yoga, her travels or the clothing brands she likes, cool!” Let’s just hope that if I ever do have any that they don’t come across my posts on vagina steaming or Brazilian waxing but that’s neither here nor there...!) 😅

Ok so here’s what I got:

FIRST, you are going to get criticized no matter what you do, so do your thing! This is number one for a reason. No matter where I’ve been in life people have criticized me. If I had listened to every piece of negative feedback, I’d be like sitting in a dark cellar counting flies on the wall, drooling. We’ve all been criticized at one time or another. You gotta do what you gotta do, & either way someone, somewhere will have something to say. If you don’t want to be criticized, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing. SECOND, don't be an asshole. We’ve all been there. I had a moment where I was in the post office a few months back. I was grumpy, irritable, & annoyed at something going on with politics. When I got to the counter, I snapped at the man working because he was taking a long time. Immediately I regretted it and guilt consumed my whole body…so I apoligized sincerely. I still go to that post office & now we’ve become friendly. Being a bitch is nasty. Smile, be gracious, be kind, & be humble! THIRD, you just never know. Don’t judge until you’ve walked in someone’s shoes. Some assume they know everything about me because a lot of my life is documented through social media. They don’t. In fact, they don’t know 80% of my past or my life. I have had MANY bumps in the road. MANY. Most do not know my deepest pains, inner fears and struggles & that’s ok with me but to judge without knowing isn’t logical. Life online looks flawless, #blessed, & glamourous. Don’t judge a book by it's cover because you never know. FOURTH, you can’t change people. This was probably the hardest thing for me for a while.  I’ve had my moments of wanting to control the outcome of any family drama, relationships, friendships, work, etc. This year I’ve realized that ‘it is what it is’. Me trying to control the situation & change people into something they’re not is counterproductive & absolutely pointless. It’s a waste of breath! People are who they are. This year I’ve become more accepting especially because you never know the whole story. People are set in their ways for their own reasons. FIFTH, there’s never a “right” time for anything. Book the trip, ask him/her out, launch the business — and most importantly, live on purpose. Just f-ing do it! SIXTH, diets suck. A healthy diet is where it’s at. 🥳. A diet is like an ex-boyfriend that you don’t want to text when you’re drunk. You text him & then regret it afterwards. Diets give you that empty feeling once they stop working. It’s a quick fix & high with short term results. Sticking to healthy living, wellness remedies, green juice, weekly workouts, water, oils, herbs, clean foods, & good vibes is a long term, sustainable goal. Balance is key! SEVENTH, no one is going to do anything for you. If you want something to happen, get off your butt & make it happen. A fairy godmother isn’t going to come create a dream career for you because you went to an expensive college…life is what you make of it. If you want to be a home & work spaces designer, go for it. It’s not going to fall into your lap. If you want to be in a better relationship, work on yours or get out & say BYE. If you want to do good in the world, then do good. Opportunities usually don’t just fall from the sky, you gotta make em happen! And lastly, worry is like a rocking chair. It gets you no where! If someone would have told me this more often at 20, I would have had much less stress and anxiety (like the real terrifying kind where you don’t know wtf is happening throughout your body) throughout my life so far. Worrying is pointless. Whenever I start worrying about something I cannot control, I shift my focus. Life is going to flow how it flows.

Thank you for stopping by and for all the thoughtful birthday wishes today. My heart is full! 💓

Cheers to the next 365… together!

X💗
Christy 

I keep breaking my own heart, turning down opportunities by seeking the wrong thing.

I recently had an unexpected offer for a job at a lunch I went to that would be fulfilling one of my many childhood dreams - designing living spaces. Great salary, my own office, good benefits— almost everything I was looking for! Finally, I thought to myself. The hunt I've been choosing to stay on for so long was worth it. 

The chairman asked that I work out of the office and somewhat out of his home, but there would be no remote option. Fantastic with me, assuming the space was a creative office environment that I’m used to (very important to me) with likeminded people to interact with. And that I’m also comfortable in his home. I asked to go see the space I’d be in first before signing any papers. 

I showed up today feeling lost. ‘This can’t be it,’ I said to myself. The office was inside an old run down building smack dab in the center of strip club and sex shop lane near the Vegas Strip. I thought, ‘ok maybe the rent is just cheap for them here. Maybe it will be nice inside with awesome people. Who cares about the area. Bummed I won’t feel comfortable taking walks around here lol- but nothing's perfect.' 

I walk in. It smelled odd, one bathroom, and the office ‘team’ was 5 people, all of which were men over the age of 60. When I went to shake their hands and make eye contact, they looked at me as if they wanted to eat me for lunch. One guy didn’t even make it to my eyes. 

I don’t want to feel like I need to wear a potato sack bag to work in order to feel comfortable. I want respect. I give that out, I deserve it too. I also don’t want to work in a jail cell. That’s literally what came to mind when I was shown where I will be. I’m a creative soul- It helps tremendously to be in a creative space to do what I do. I wanted to offer to re-design their office space for them lol, but then I looked around at the people I’d be working with and realized it wasn’t worth suggesting. Empty Cheetos and McDonalds wrappers everywhere all over their messy desks and one was wearing a shirt that appeared like it hadn’t been washed in weeks. What’s happening here? This is supposedly a commercial real estate company. How come they don't value the benefits of looking polished and professional at work? I was beyond confused with many parts of my visit.

I don’t want any of this to come across as if I'm better than everyone or that I’m judgmental spoiled or ungrateful for opportunity.  I’ve had my share of working in lousy work environments and they didn’t last long with me. I was a project manager for years herding cats all day so I don’t put up with much. The space and the team is often what makes much of my 9-5 line of work enjoyable. I’ve also had my share with sexual harassment in the work space and now I certainly know one when I see one without even speaking to them first. 

I'm not sure why exactly, the obvious probably and also my time of the month and job hunt/fail depression kicking in.... tears started to fill my eyes. I couldn’t take it. I was ready in less than a minute to run to my car and cry. The pay was sooo good. Finally a job with good money here. But I couldn’t, once again, bring myself to take an offer. For the first time in a while, I felt money wasn’t my main priority. If it was, I would have taken it. My heart was telling me right then and there that my happiness is more important than money.

I continuously keep breaking my own heart turning down other offers too. Aside from this role, I turned down several other offers (from great companies) due to a combination of work-life balance and salary issues.

I’ve worked very hard to get where I am right now with many of these companies and actually be GETTING offers. I’m beyond frustrated with myself to find myself a blubbering, agonizing mess who rejects good (well, aside from today's) jobs that ‘college me’ would have jumped at.

I have friends that seem to have no problem with a lower salary or a boring work environment or care who they work with. They’d jump at the chance to be paid for whatever they are offered. I go back and forth from feeling something is seriously wrong with me to feeling that my environment, the role, teammates, quality of life and pay are all valid reasons to turn down jobs, but I’m getting soooo tired. Tired of applying. Tired of getting rejected. Tired of rejecting them. Repeat.

I’m tired looking for the right fit. The right relationship. Tired is an understatement. But you know what? I’m not going to enter a relationship right off the bat with deal breaker doubts. I can’t feel guilty for that. I want to be crazy about it. To have this insatiable desire to do whatever it takes to make amazing things happen and be willing to put in the work to get there. Own it and be so passionate about it that I no longer feel the need (at least for a while) to seek what’s better out there. Jobs aren’t marriages I know and they usually aren’t forever but I’m not looking for a fling. I’m looking for the long term thing. I want the relationship. 

So here I am... back at it again. Maybe today happened for a reason. To allow me to feel the pain I felt.  Something that I have been needing to feel hard for a long time.  Money matters, but not the most. If I had to choose only one, I now ACTUALLY believe that feeling joy is more important than feeling security. 💗 #seeking #mrjobright 

Being Real Matters More than Being the Best

"Has anyone ever told you that you have an amazing honesty quality about you? It's quite comforting. You're the only person on IG who is doing the opposite of posting boat and private plane pics. It's rare."

That would be amazing if I could share photos like that. Like if I actually DID own a boat or DID own my own plane. Those are big accomplishments. I share when I eat like a pig or punish myself when I have my moments of binging on Netflix. I'm open about how hard it's been trying to find my dream job. I talk openly about my hair thinning, my endo journey, and I drop too many pics of me hiking because I'm obsessed with nature. Or if it's not that it's photos of interiors or a really cool candle or that perfect foam top on my coffee. All of this is ordinary and boring compared to yachts and planes. I have to say though that for the first time in a long time I thoroughly enjoy embracing and sharing my ordinary real self with the world, regardless of how regular it is.

Everything that individual said to me in the quote above is true lately but there was a time where that wasn't so true. Who you surround yourself with can have A LOT to do with what influences your choices and actions. Hanging with your gal pal and going to take photos outside of fancy hotels, on yachts, in sports cars or at private lounges all just to look rich and successful got exhausting and depressing for me. I could never afford to stay the night at a 5 star hotel, rent a yacht for a day, drive a ferrari or join a private members only club.  So why was I doing this? I was lying to myself and others. Was it to make myself feel successful in the LA kind of way? Or to make others think so? For attention? To fit in? 

People love all the blingy boujee stuff it seems. All the likes and attention are toward the extravagant lifestyle photos in your lingerie and Louboutins, not the one of your coffee latte heart you made or the picture of the cool cactus you saw. Those things are so regular. Ordinary. Plus there's nothing sexy about either (sex sells). But people also love authenticity and being real. There are different kinds of people drawn to different things. Eventually you will come to a place where you wont give two fucks about what EVERYONE thinks. Or what ANYONE thinks. You will finally feel comfortable and happy in your own skin and find joy in sharing your life for EXACTLY how it is. That's when you'll start to see the good fruit.  The only apples left will be the the ones that actually matter!

I've been alone more throughout this past year and even though it's had its downsides, a positive thing about it all is that it's allowed me to spend more time with me. Less distraction, less about doing things that I never loved doing in the first place and more about the things in life that I enjoy and are meaningful.

Not everything has to be perfect. In order for others to feel like you’re being real, you must actually, well, be real. It’s okay to share things without a filter or post about challenges and struggles. Of course there’s a fine line here as you don’t want to present yourself in a negative way, but being open and honest goes a long way in establishing AUTHENTICITY. Being honest can seem like an insurmountable task, but it boils down to just being yourself. It's really easy actually. Your life doesn't have to be perfectly manicured to be amazing.