Choosing the Wrong Men

Dear female flowers, 

Has anyone ever said to you “You aren’t choosing the right men.” ? (Think face…) How the heck do they know if that’s the case? One that is good for her is not good for another her. This has been said to me before and it didn’t sit well when I heard it.  I wasn’t sure if it stung because that may be the truth and I felt at fault for my relationship obstacles, or that I just felt offended. How do we really know from the beginning what guy is ‘right’ for each of us?

All the relationship advice in the world won’t make any difference if you in fact aren’t chasing what you truly want.  If something isn’t aligning… many of us see it yet don’t pay attention to that inner voice because we want the idea of something so bad and want to make it work regardless.  You can’t force someone to change and want what you want. We may convince ourselves that this is it, that he’s the one and we just need to make him see it.

If you’re hung up on a man who can’t commit, is mean to you, has baggage issues, a guy who you think would be perfect “if only” he changed such and such, then you’re setting yourself up to lose before you even begin, and you are blocking yourself from ever finding the love you want.

I’ve learned that the most important thing to do is build relationships slowly, emotionally.  I know, that’s not so sexy, but if you want to try and prevent yourself from getting hurt, you’ll need to learn how to use your head a little more than your heart, at least in the beginning. Your heart is the one that tells you it’s a great idea to go for the bad boy who’s just so dreamy, even when he’s out on parole and struggling with addictions, or has told you he won’t be in a committed relationship ever. Your heart convinces you. Your heart doesn’t operate according to reason or rational. It makes you do things that you later look back on and wonder, what was I thinking? But you weren’t thinking, that’s not what the heart does. I know I’m being mean to the heart. It does have its benefits, but that comes later. In the beginning of a relationship, it’s best to remain as objective as possible and try to keep your emotions mostly contained.

When your so lost on cloud 9, it can become problematic because you may end up relying too heavily on the relationship for your happiness.  If something shifts and you notice that this guy may not be right for you, you’ll be in too deep to get yourself out of the situation. You’ll instead rely on some cliché like “love conquers all” to justify staying with him.

Sometimes you make the mistake of getting caught up in how the guy feels about you rather than focusing on how you feel about him. Focus on how you feel about HIM. Take reality checks. Make sure you see him and the situation clearly. The best way to do this is to make sure you can recognize his flaws. The way you know you’re infatuated is if you see no flaws. Everyone has flaws. This all matters. ALOOOOT. I’ve seen (and personally experienced) situations where a couple breaks up after a long period of time because of some issue that was apparent right from the beginning—they’re different religions, want to live in different states, one person doesn’t want kids…blah blah. In every one of these situations, the couple believed that things would magically just work out. Imagine how much time and effort they would have saved and heartbreak they would have avoided had they been dating a little more with their heads instead of their hearts from the beginning!

Here are some things through life experience that I feel are important to ponder when in your relationship. Some things that make him a keeper… 💛

He loves your good qualities and accepts and embraces the bad without making you feel guilty for having flaws. You don’t need to hide your true self from him and put on a front in order to be what you think he wants. You can share your true self and be vulnerable and should feel safe doing so.

He is growth oriented. 

A growth-oriented guy will want to work to strengthen his character. A guy who isn’t growth oriented will say it’s your problem and that this is just the way he is and you need to deal with it.

He is there for you when you need him, even if it’s inconvenient for him. You can’t predict what will happen and nothing can possibly go as planned 100% of the time. He will be there for you when you need him. He will be in it with you; he will be your partner in whatever happens and will weather the storm with you, even though he might prefer to stay in the sunshine.

He considers you when making decisions, both big and small. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Factoring you in shows that he respects you and that he wants to create a life with you, not simply envelope you in his world. 

He has similar beliefs and values as yours.  For some, their values will be rooted in religion. Other people value a strong work ethic, while some value a commitment to a healthy lifestyle. This may sound trivial, but I’ve seen serious relationships end because one person couldn’t deal with the other’s lack of ambition or motivation. Love does not in fact conquer all. If you are not fundamentally compatible, you will face major hurdles ahead. 

He wants to make you happy.

Love is a selfless thing. If you love people because they make you feel great about yourself, then it isn’t real love. 

He communicates with you, even about tough issues and even if one of you is upset with the other. With the right guy, you won’t be afraid of bringing up certain things for fear of him exploding. You know he respects you and will see what you have to say as valid and important. Every relationship will face its share of obstacles. There will be fights, miscommunications, arguments, and also times when one partner isn’t feeling loved. The only way to emerge from the tough times better and stronger is to work through them together, and this starts with open communication.

The most Important Quality of All…

He wants to make it work. He’s willing to put in any amount of effort. If there is a problem, he wants to find a way to solve it. He wants to work harder, to be better, to be his best self. He might believe that working hard and being good at his job is putting in effort because he wants to provide for you and give you nice things and a comfortable lifestyle. (I use this as an example because it’s a classic point of contention between men and women: she will often view him working too much as him putting no effort into the relationship and being married to his work).

I have seen this scenario more than once: girl is dating a guy, things are going great (again, as they often do in the beginning), but then they hit that inevitable point of conflict. Whatever the reasons, suddenly things aren’t as seamless as they were the week before. The truth comes out after time goes on, when you let your guard down, when you can be more of yourselves instead of the absolute best version of yourselves. Even the best couples don’t seamlessly fit together. There is always a certain degree of work involved in order to create that deep and meaningful connection, and it has to come from both people.

When a guy is ready to settle down and sees you as a good potential partner, he wants to make it work. Women shouldn’t blame themselves when a relationship falls apart. They torture themselves with could haves and should haves. I should have been less needy, I should have been more agreeable; I could have been more supportive, etc. Yeah you could have done all that, but it wouldn’t have mattered if he wasn’t committed to making it work.

There will always be differences; there will always be problems. Some people have deal-breakers and that’s that. Maybe it’s religion, where to live, lifestyle preferences, or other values clashing. If you don’t trust him, there is no depth of connection, lack of respect, he brings out your worst, he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions, or he’s selfish to name a few examples– LET your GUT be your guide to these red flags and let him go. Then let your ego go along with it. But all the other stuff—personality quirks, your nature, your ways of interacting in social settings, your fundamental traits … either he’s in it or he’s not. And if he’s not, then there is nothing you can do.

Take away: Choice is everything. It will largely determine if a relationship succeeds and lasts or fails and leaves you broken-hearted. The good news is that you have the power to choose the man you let into your life from the start. ❤ #Happypicking 

Whatever will be will be...

Chemistry chemistry chemistry. In the last few weeks I've had three people tell me that chemistry is the key to a successful relationship. 

I beg to differ. It matters for sure and it's certainly important. But ideally chemistry won't make your relationship a success - and it also isn't absolutely necessary for success. After studying love for way too long now, it seems those who are intensely in love from the outset are only slightly more likely to have a good relationship. For example in India where arranged marriages are the norm and they’ll tell you it’s possible to grow to love someone. Almost any two people who feel at least some attraction for each other and who don't have too many deal breakers can work together to build psychological, romantic and physical intimacy that will get stronger over time. Leaning back to what I've shared in my previous blog posts, in that in the end, love is ultimately a choice.

Chemistry matters but success really blooms with the ones that can learn to communicate and are in reasonable mental health. Happiness is important at the beginning of relationships, but communication is key to keeping your happiness over time. Its boredom, not lack of chemistry, that I think is the ultimate relationship killer. To keep things exciting, keep doing new, fun and unexpected things together. Prioritize him. Her. Ask questions ad show interest. Re-imagine your sex life.  Schedule - dress up, and go out for date nights...or surprise them with something.  Whatever you choose, I promise you the effort will do wonders for you both. If it doesn't, that may be a door that is closed for reason and not meant for you. Another one is meant for you. There is a door open somewhere, for everyone, and someone perfect is meant just for you. You just have to trust yourself in order to know which door is right for you. 💫

HAPPY LOVE MONTH!

Happy Love Month!

Oh Love. What the hell is it, seriously?  I’m by no means an expert on the topic  - I’ve had my heart broken more than a couple of times. But, I’ve learned a few things along the way that have taught me what it means to be in love. More importantly, I’ve learned that love is an immeasurable force that can’t be reckoned with. We can’t force it. I used to think it was those butterflies. When in the first moments in meeting someone, the way our heart jumps out of our chests. All kisses and bliss. But I’ve learned that love is undefinable.  

When we look at our relationships, are we ‘in love’ in the beginning? Or are we just wrapped up in the attention we have from someone else... drawn to their souls, or their physical bodies? Are we in love with their spirits or the way they make us feel? It isn't just a feeling - it's an action, a manifestation of emotion, a choice, a moment of faith where we decide, with all of our selves, to be with and for that person no matter what.

For some reason I feel we’ve told ourselves that when we meet ‘the right’ person, they’ll fall into us so gently, so beautifully. That when we learn who we’re meant to be with everything will fall into place, like puzzle pieces finding their matches, like simplicity. 

But I'm starting to wonder if real love is actually complicated. Messy. Having to make decisions, love with action, be transparent with your thoughts and emotions, and continue to learn who someone is...and how that someone can fit into the chaos of our lives. 

It isn’t just two hands intertwined, or two bodies coming together in lust. It isn’t all being with someone who makes you laugh, or smiling as you go on dates, or kissing. It isn’t just moments that you remember, spots on a timeline in your life and it isn’t the person whom you feel the most comfortable around. Love isn’t even finding your ‘home.’ 

It’s pushing, day after day, to keep that ‘home’ feeling over time and through obstacles. It’s conflicting and confusing and a whole lot of change as you both grow, together and separate. It's a HUGE challenge. It’s meeting someone who pushes you to be greater and bigger than you were before. It’s finding someone who you see fighting battles with, and for. 

Love is imagining another person’s arm around your shoulders as you grow old. It’s seeing traveling, and parties and weddings and anniversaries with them by your side. It’s family and children, sprinkled around you. It’s the thought of ‘forever,’ as hard as that is to actually visualize. But the challenges that come with these things—the messiness, the confusion, the fear, the failure, the faults you will both carry forward and learn to battle in a relationship with one another. It is a choice, a decision, an action.  A movement towards another, despite what stands in your way or tries to break you apart. 

I think it means accepting another person in the strongest way possible. It means supporting them in anything and everything, even when you may not agree on the situation. It means not looking for something better or seeing what’s out there. 

It means screaming at the top of your lungs sometimes.  Caring so damn much about that other person that you can’t help but become furious when your relationship is called into question. It means fighting to get it back.

It means always being your organic self and never shifting to fit another person’s standard. Maybe it means waiting for the stars to align. 

Sometimes love means disappointment. Broken hearts and red teary eyes. It means taking a shot on someone and being let down...learning the hard way that you can’t make someone love you.

Love, I believe once it finds you, is worth every fleeting moment of highs and lows. Although it may fade, it never gives up on you. Love that leaves isn't lost; it will find you again someday, perhaps when you least expect it or maybe when you really want it to. Love doesn’t play by anyone else’s rules. 

Love means letting yourself go. Giving in. 

Love means taking chances. Its taken me a long time to ponder all of this through and wonder if when people ask 'Oh wow, how do you two stay together for so long, whats your secret,' to a couple thats been together 50 years and they answer 'Its a choice we make every day, to stay,'  that perhaps this thing called love isn't actually as challenging as some of us may think it is to experience. We just need to start seeing differently and challenging our own selves more... with one that we think is worth it. 💖