Ever since I can remember, fashion for the longest time was the love of my life. I was the girl whose idols were Cindy Crawford and Calvin Klein at age 10 and who was reading Architectural Digest and Elle over my pop tarts before school. I vividly remember watching Jennifer Anniston in FRIENDS (AKA Rachel the buyer at Ralph Lauren) and being incomprehensibly jealous. I could not imagine doing anything else with my life besides fashion. I wasn’t very book smart— but being voted ‘best dressed’ in high school... it seemed to be the only logical choice for me and it was what everyone assumed I would do.
Anyone who either works in the fashion industry or knows someone who does understands that it is a nearly impossible bubble to break into, and to do so requires dedication, hard work, and asking more of yourself physically and mentally than you ever thought possible. It was even harder, especially when I was at FIDM and after I graduated, to get anywhere in the fashion world without some kind of amazing family/friend/career advisor connection.
Getting a job in any field was difficult enough at the time, particularly in the creative fields, but I was willing to do whatever it took to achieve my fashion dreams.
I started interning at Giorgio Armani PR office on Rodeo Drive before the big fashion internship lawsuits, meaning there was no limit to what I was asked to do. I was constantly prettifying the showroom and got celebrities coffee at 8am, even on Saturday mornings, flipped through 50 magazines at a time tabbing photos of who wore us to the Oscars, cleaned bathrooms on my hands and knees, and ran errands for hours on end hardly allowing any time to ever eat lunch. And those are just the highlights. Yes, cleaning bathrooms and sweeping floors were not (and still aren’t) my favorite activities, but I knew that if I just kept on working hard, I would eventually be a part of the industry I so desperately strived for.
I interned in this manner for a while, learning a ton along the way and working throughout six fashion weeks, which was my favorite part — the adrenaline, clothes, backstage buzz, and seeing the editors, designers and stylists I had admired for much of my life made everything I was doing totally worth it.
I ended up working for a PR firm in Hollywood. My experience there was one of the most demanding experiences I have ever had in my fashion journey. I worked 12 hour days for minimum wage (but hey, at least I was getting paid!) and most of those hours were spent carrying 20 pound bags of clothes back and forth to other showrooms, all paid for by myself and with hardly any food. I was barely eating, I lost a ton of weight. But I got to assist dressing Julia Roberts, Lisa Kudrow, Charlize Theron, Billy Crystal to name a few... and lived for moments like when I got to have a conversation with the amazing Sam Jackson. I’ll never forget his deep majestic voice from across the room... “ My you are one fiiiine lookin young lady.” I could barely speak. Or when Pierce Brosnen wanted to set me up with his son. I felt like I was just supposed to be there. I felt... important.
After almost a year in this industry, I landed a different job working as an assistant to the Personal Shoppers at 5th Avenue club at Saks — and this was where things began to change. I had worked for years to get there. My goal after school was to become a wardrobe stylist...and it was hard for me to accept how much I actually didn’t love it, regardless of the exciting interactions with the Beckhams and the Hiltons, something just wasnt ticking. Some of the people I worked there with were catty, mean, and treated me like shit, for lack of a better word.
All of this was made worse by the guilt I constantly felt, having finally gotten the job I always dreamed of — only to be miserable when I finally got there.
I will say this: that job — and all the jobs I worked in fashion before moving into another field— were the greatest learning experiences I have ever had, both as a professional and as a person. I learned more than I can put into words from those places — about myself, the public relations, retail and styling industries, and what it means to be a young professional in this world, as well as a young woman. That said, I was completely miserable.
I was so unhappy that after a certain point I could not function. Everything was a constant competition and nothing was collaborative. People were constantly screaming and finding things wrong, no matter what anyone did. I also had an unhealthy relationship with my boss — one minute we would be best friends and “like sisters” and the next minute she would be calling me worthless. Things kept on getting worse and worse and finally came to a head when I started having almost daily panic attacks about six months in.
After months of abuse, tears, and anxiety attacks, I came to an important realization. I always thought that by age 28, I would be working in fashion, impressing everyone around me and back where I’m from, and have a promising career trajectory ahead of me. I realized that I was exactly where I thought I would be at my age, and I was at a crossroads. I could keep going on the path in front of me and force myself to continue what I was doing, or I could finally listen to what my heart had been telling me for so long now. The industry I had worked to be in my entire life wasn’t for me, and I couldn’t stay.
This crossroads is one that people from all walks of life face at some point on their journey — what you thought you wanted to do, and who you thought you were going to be, is not always where you will end up.
A passion you were happy to dedicate your life to can remain just that: a passion, and not a career. You can still take time for your hobbies and pursue what interests you — without relying on them to pay the rent.
The fashion world has increasingly becoming one full of so-called “influencers” — people who exemplify turning what you love most into a full-time job. However, they also epitomize a lack of the elusive “work-life-balance.” Being constantly photographed and constantly immersed in what you love, 24/7 (basically making a living by being yourself) is a surefire way to ensure you won’t love it for very much longer — a lesson I learned firsthand when I reached a stage of almost complete burnout.
I decided to move on to work in real estate design corporate EA and PM roles, not working with any fashion clients at all, where I came to understand two very important things. One: there are work environments out there that pay you a livable wage and don’t make you break down every day, and two: I am actually good at my job and I still get to be creative. I had always loved home design and creating spaces.
In 2010 I began tasting food again, seeing colors again, and could finally breathe because I was able to get outside and go for a bikeride for longer than 15 minutes. I moved to the beach and turned into a completely different person. As it turns out, being in a better place in the work environment outside of fashion has allowed me to regain the love I had for the industry in the first place and actually enjoy doing other creative work on the side of my main work.
Most importantly, I have learned hard, but vital lessons about the world and what it means to exist in it. People can take on different roles at different points in their lives and wear hats they never thought they would, or could, pull off. What you have worked your whole life to be, and spent years thinking you wanted, can be the very thing holding you back from what will make you the happiest. Leaving the fashion industry and what promised to be a long and successful career made me rediscover my love of fashion, art and design, and I will never look back. ❤
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