Leave them Respectfully (with a smaller bandaid)

Just about all of us can recall a time when someone took Cupid’s arrow out of our heart and walked away. Whether it was three days or 30 years ago, it’s hard to forget the sound of a heart breaking. After all, trampling elephants are loud.

I think the agony may be good for us. For the emotionally healthy person, having your heart broken is a necessary part of growth. Those who have been on both sides of the equation are sometimes sadder but wiser- realizing after the fact that the way a heart is broken can make the mending easier.

Broken hearts occur most often in our 20’s and 30s when people tend to try out different relationships before settling down. Both men and women begin heeding the sound of their biological clock and often push relationships that just aren’t going to work.

Don't text your goodbyes. Facing up to the person may not be easy, but it’s the best thing for both of you in the long run because it gives you a sense of closure. Use ‘I’ statements and tell the person that you have really enjoyed his or her company and care for the person deeply but it's not a good fit. The secret is to take full responsibility for the goodbye, which still doesn't make the split pleasant but it helps keep the person’s self-esteem intact. 

If you are on the fence with someone, cut things off early. Don’t wait until after that special weekend all because you want to soften the blow or give things time when you already sense something isn't quite right.  You are wasting their time, being dishonest and it makes the person feel even more foolish once you do break up. Those who have broken hearts say that there are dos and don’ts when it comes to plucking out Cupid’s arrow. I’m one of them. When you break up with someone, you’re in control, but when you have your heart broken, you have no control. While some can’t get past the pain, others simply dive into work and numb the pain. Staying busy helps a lot. One day you'll love again... creating great memories is worth the pain in the long run...even if you have to start over again and again. 

Whether you’re being dumped or are doing the dumping, we are really durable creatures. Although someone fresh from a breakup may scoff at these words, time does indeed heal wounds.

If you’ve had your heart broken, let it run its course. And if you’re going to do the heart breaking, do it right.

It shouldn’t have to take a new romance to walk into your life in order to move on and feel good. Sometimes it just takes a good wake up reminder. A reminder that you ARE good. 

I've blamed myself in the past when abandoned or when punished for setting boundaries. 'What did I do to contribute to this, what did I do wrong, did I hurt someones feelings?"

When I don't get the closure I think that I need, I find it difficult to move past the feelings of pain and loss especially if I was deeply invested in something. 

Here's the thing though! 

Others peoples choices/ behaviors are not always a result of us or our actions. Wanting a mutual relationship with someone for example isn’t wrong or expressing emotions (even if that means you are upset) when someone you care about throws you a curve ball also isn’t wrong. Sometimes the reasons aren't related to you as a person or anything you did wrong. 

I noticed after realizing my own worth more I started building relationships with inspiring people and new friends who are adding value to my life. After what feels like an eternity of swimming in my own pool of false hopes, I’m finally seeing the importance of letting go of something that no longer serves me. This isn’t about being perfect or having everything I’ve ever wanted. It’s about believing I deserve to be truly loved. 

No more giving men discounts or dealing with the kind of dating where I end up used, playing games, being taken for granted, commitment phobias or dealing with mixed feelings. 

Someone said, "when we know our worth, we’ll attract a partner who knows how to reciprocate. We’ll attract a significant other who will know how to express their feelings and love fully."

I couldn't agree more. No more being satisfied with mediocre romances. They are a waste of time. If this resonates with you, imagine being with someone who sees you, who chooses you. Who wants to make time to hug you, kiss you, and do this crazy life WITH you. Someone who wants a real meaningful love with you. They’ll shower you with their presence, their consistency and they'll want to spend time with you regardless of where they are at personally/professionally in their life. Why? Because you will better him. He will better you. There will be no excuses, no situationship, no occasional only hook ups. You’ll give each other your best. Focus on BEING a great partner, vs WANTING a great partner.💗 The best way to attract an amazing person is to BE an amazing person.💗 

We all deserve to have someone that wants to build something beautiful but it takes each one of us individually to honor and love ourselves first, they way we want to be loved. Let the people who chose to go pass on, and embrace the uncertainty of what’s to come. 

It’s almost midnight. Typing away, you are on my mind. Maybe I know you already or maybe I will meet you in the future. I don't know, all I know is that whoever you are, you are everything Ive always dreamed of and more. I’m sure you’re probably asleep right now because you’re responsible and disciplined. Or maybe you’re like me and you lay awake at night and think and talk to the Lord and then think some more. 

I love to love. The desire to serve, encourage, and love burns deep inside my heart. I'm a hopeless romantic but this is SO much more than flowers on anniversaries and romance on holidays. This is more than IG posts of you throwing me over your shoulder and running around the house. This is the Lord’s work. Its the seemingly small every day things that nurture affection, the little gestures that stem from him. It's noticing each others hard work and showing appreciation for each other. It's seeing that we aren't a competition and making each others dreams and needs a priority.  By grace and grace alone he will give me you, a wonderful and faithful partner. Right now this very second, he is preparing your heart to lead and love me. I can’t wait to serve you and serve the Lord along side of you. This is more than the novels of love. This is a partnership to serve God. As much as I love the mushy gushy, corny, frilly, romantic things (TRUST ME I LOVE THEM ALL) - my heart is focused on so much more -on eternal things.

I’ve written you many letters, songs and poems. I dream about you often. I pray that you are falling in love with Jesus every day. I pray that you extend grace. I pray that you think of me and know that there is a woman out there who loves and yearns for you. God is also preparing her heart. He is speaking to her, teaching her, guiding her, disciplining her, all so that one day through joy and tears, pain, loss, fun times, excitement and new beginnings- she will be a strong and loving helper, servant, sister in Christ, and a true partner. 

I look forward to the long work days. The ones when you come home to a wife that wants to fill your cup after you’ve poured out on others all day. I look forward to being someone that seeks the Lord and seeks her worth in God rather than you so that I can better love you. I look forward to wrapping around you and laughing with you. I look forward to working through miscommunication and promising to never go to bed mad. I look forward to fighting with you, then turning around and loving you even more afterwards. But most importantly, I look forward to serving the Lord alongside of you for the rest of our lives. Just two broken sinners who love God, love each other and want to do life together.  Praying for you always, loving you from afar- your soulmate.✝

One nation, under God 💕

I miss the days where politics rarely crossed my mind. I kept my views to myself (what little views I had) and no one was hurt.

Since those days I've educated myself more, I care about what’s going on in the world more and I can hold a conversation about these matters.  Knowing too much though raises my blood pressure sometimes and I would rather not know as much as I do to be honest. I've lost some people in my life that I care about who I built nearly two decades of friendships with. I was seen in a certain way that they liked, (of which I still am and will get into in a minute) but they also assumed my political views matched theirs. When they discovered they didn’t, they changed the way they viewed  me. 

Some left winged friends flew away after reading some of my social media shares over the last few years.  “How can you like Trump? He’s an arrogant idiot! Not sure if we can be friends anymore sorry we are too different.”  Ok but even though I lean right and agree with ‘an arrogant idiot’ on world issues, I’m to a degree still (in the sense of lifestyle and interests) the same person you built a friendship with for almost 20 years. 

If we think about some of the things that are labeled 'liberal' all over them then I’m one for sure. When I first discovered Seattle at a young age while growing up in WA I was in love with it so much I’d beg my mom to take me to touristy Pikes Place almost every weekend. I’d drive there during my high school/community college years so I could buy incense, hemp supplies, organic teas and submerge myself in a diverse environment. I liked how the city bustled with creativity. The historical architecture, quirky personalities, fashion and different cultures inspired me. I'm all about the hippie vibes! Then I moved to LA, one of the bluest cities ever to go to fashion school and stayed there for 18 years. 

My closest friends were gay. I went vegan for a bit and hung at ‘liberal’ spots- Hollywood venues, yoga studios, artsy coffee shops and gatherings surrounded by queens. I miss Marys. One of the drags there is so sweet. We had some meaningful conversations with each other about life. We were so different but connected on many levels.  I was the minority at a few companies I worked for of which were my favorite places to be at looking back compared to others. I was once asked the question, “What's your favorite race? Black, white, yellow?”  I replied, "Black."  They don’t take life so seriously (in a good way), they make me laugh, they know how to dance (I love hip hop) and they are soulful beings.” I remember the first time I stepped into a gospel church. Those guys know what it means to worship! I've always had a heart for nature (especially the ocean) and homeless shelters. I volunteered at Union Rescue on skid row for quite some time. I worked at an aquarium and a shark research foundation for even more time in which most everyone there leaned left. Not sure why environmentalists or the other things I shared tend to have this ‘liberal label’ stamped on them. It didn’t matter to me though and it still doesn’t matter.

I’m finally getting to my point of why I felt compelled to talk about all this! 

A few years back a friend and I met up with a fellow FIDM alumni at our church in Belair one Sunday. We all struck up a great conversation after service and talked about getting together for a girls coffee later that week. As we made our way to the parking lot, (let’s call her Bella) Bella was beside herself when she looked at the back of my other friend's car (let’s call her Brandi) who I drove with and saw her window sticker that said “Obama 08.” Bella said, “Look at what’s on Brandi’s car. Oh no an Obama lover!” 

So here's the thing. Jesus isn't running for president. Instead, we have two flawed men running for president and each one has certain strengths and certain weaknesses. If Jesus was a registered voter today I’m convinced that he wouldn’t be a registered Republican nor a registered Democrat. Jesus was never one to join political parties. He represents only one governing body -the kingdom of heaven.

Since Jesus isn’t running for office, we who call ourselves Christian’s have to do the next best thing: Determine the heart of Christ on the issues (because Jesus does care about many issues that our government leaders deal with on a daily basis) and prayerfully determine which political candidate, party and propositions are most in sync with the heart of Christ. 

Psalm 89:14a, “Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne.” When God rules, he always does what is right. And he always does what is just. So, any leader who is going to please the heart of God must also do what is right and just. 

When I choose what I follow politically, I ask: “Will this candidate do what is right and just in God’s eyes?” Since keeping this more in mind, it's helped me better understand my Christian brothers and sisters on the other side of the aisle instead of judging them.

I had shared on an IG story how there are two policy positions in the Republican party that are biblically right. The sanctity of human life and marriage and family. I also shared how there are two positions in the Democratic party that are biblically just: Ending poverty and achieving racial justice and equity. Both parties have good and biblical things that I support. 

We are all human, we all have opinions and we are all sinners who are a work in progress, but as a Christian, we are called to lead people to Christ, not to an elephant or a donkey.

To those who have different political views than me but we've stayed friends for a long time (long before discovering differences in our views/beliefs)- our friendship is a gift. It's nice when we are understanding of one another. It's also nice how we know when to stop talking about our views and go back to talking about our future dinner date at that cool new spot covered in graffiti, art festival, or vintage shopping plans. We all aren't going to agree on everything with each other, but we can embrace the parts in each of us that each bring out the beauty in each relationship. 

Each of us live through different experiences throughout life and these experiences impact how we think now. Our scars have a way of showing up in certain ways later that won’t always be understood by others but we can’t allow our/their pain or politics to sabotage our relationships or sabotage us being a witness to unbelievers or to our fellowship with believers. 

If our loyalty is with Christ, then our hearts and minds must stay in line with his. 💞

Covid Afterthoughts

Happy Tuesday! I'm thankfully getting closer to feeling my normal self again. Other than losing my senses, (hoping those come back soon- I miss waking up to the taste of my vanilla mint toothpaste and the smell of cinnamon coffee in the mornings!) Covid came and went. It was basically a mild flu. I know everyone responds to this thing differently. For some it may become dangerous but for others it's a cold with a fancy name and a PR firm. My experience might not be the same as another person's experience you know of or even your own, but I like to share things that are positive and good. Theres a lot of fear out there related to this sickness so I just wanted to say that if you haven't had it yet or you are just getting it as you are reading this, it might not be as bad as you think. 

 

Mine started and ended the same way all my colds/ flus have started and ended growing up. I felt tired at the beginning of the week, my head hurt, my body ached, and I got a fever.  Once that passed after the first two days, I got a sore throat which then led to a cold by the end of the week. I didn't spend all my money on supplements and meds once I found out I had it. Or worry myself sicker by reading up on google how I might be doomed. I treated this as I treated any other sickness I've had to deal with. With rest, fluids, healthy foods, and my usual vitamins. And Nyquil. Thank goodness for Nyquil! As for the loss of taste and smell part - remember when we were kids and we couldn't taste the macaroni and cheese mom made us for dinner and we couldn't smell the grape scratch and sniff stickers at school?  This sensation I'm having now at first wasn't any different but I learned that with Covid it can linger and be potentially more serious than that. I'm hoping for this part to pass soon. I have faith it will! Nothing sucks more than being hungry, opening the fridge but then closing it because nothing sounds good! I'm normally an 'adder.' I'll add cheese, avocado, salsa, and other goodies to the top of my Annie’s burritos. Now it’s like why bother. I've been loading up instead on boring veggies, green tea and healthy spices that I don’t like the taste of since I know it's all good for me, so at least that's a positive too with losing my taste and smell. No need for pizza, cake or burritos with all those extra calorie trimmings!

I'm grateful for a mild case. I hope you never get it but if you do I hope it's mild too.

 

I've been asked if I'm going to go get vaccinated. I don’t know. A friend of mine has Covid in the Midwest right now too. She was vaccinated, I wasn't. I have some other health issues, she doesn't.  Her case isn't as mild as mine.  She should be the one with the easier case, not me. She also lost her taste and smell like me, so I guess getting vaccinated has nothing to do with preventing that. I know two young people who were taken from this awful virus. Both were vaccinated and boosted. A friend of mine here in LV bled for 3 straight months after her vaccination. Some friends I know in LA from my church weren't vaccinated, had the sniffles for a day then were better.  My acupuncturist had some serious complications with her hormones and estrogen levels after getting vaccinated. So, what's my hang up with still not wanting to get vaccinated? I can't give you a solid answer other than it just doesn't seem to be doing what it's being marketed to do. It also seems to be causing more havoc then help. I hear it helps all over the news. People I know who work in the medical field say it helps their patients. But with my own personal relationships and what’s happened with them, it doesn’t make sense. And when things don’t make sense to me I'm not one quick to follow a crowd even if everyone else is doing it. 

 

I think we should wear seatbelts.  You may not need it but it’s better to wear it than not wear it. It could prevent you from death and it also doesn’t potentially cause any harm by wearing it other than a possible seatbelt bruise. It’s a win win.  Sometimes I hear that it’s better to get vaxxed than not be. But are the vaxxes causing more harm than good though? Are all the hand sanitizers and masks preventing us from being able to handle any germ that comes our way and in actuality it’s making it harder for our bodies to fight through any illness, and is all this isolation causing loneliness, distraction and addiction to not being able to unplug? 

 

"Covid is not your enemy, fear is.  You will not die one day sooner or one day later than God has planned for you. But he did not create you to live in fear. The bible says, God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and a sound of mind."  

2 Timothy 1:7

 

 

Holding on vs. Letting Go

I accepted a job with a company in August. I thought I found everything I wanted: challenging work that would leverage me to my goals, flexible hours, a fun group of people, a laid-back atmosphere, an opportunity that would relocate me back to dear friends and the ocean again and a short commute. ( I love the short commutes, especially in LA!) 

Things seemed to be perfect but soon I realized they weren’t. The job amongst other things werent what I wanted. I lost sleep for weeks thinking and contemplating what to do. When I finally exhausted myself enough to fall asleep one night, I had a dream. 

The next morning without hesitation, I decided to back out of what I had worked so hard to accomplish. 

When you quit something that is not for you, you take a healthy step toward joy and fulfillment but quitting can also produce guilt. Our society teaches us to “never give up.” If we’re “quitters,” we are supposed to feel bad about ourselves. We also hurt others along the way who we care about which for me being a people pleaser my whole life has kept me in scenarios longer than I should have stayed all because I didn't want to hurt the other person. I feel terrible but better. It feels like I got divorced after just getting married only a week ago. Others were involved, time, energy, and money was spent toward this process and because of these things I can't help but not care.  

It's easy to give up on things in life because of fear of the unknown or because someone said I should quit or because what I want to pursue is “too difficult.” If you leave your marriage for example because it’s “too difficult” to work things out with your spouse, or you stop writing because your mother said you’ll be another starving author, you might not only be making a decision you’ll regret but you’ll be more likely plagued by guilt.

Three of my top values are honesty, trust and respect. Push aside fear, negative self-talk, and outside influences. Are you in an environment, project, or relationship that violates your values? If so the guilt shouldn't feel so heavy when you rethinking about making a u-turn. There will always be someone who will tell you that you’re crazy for quitting, or that he or she knows someone who did what you did and ended up bankrupt or socially ostracized. You and God know why did what you needed to do and that should be what you focus on vs. the opinions of others who don't know the full story. 

It’s easy to fall into the trap of over analyzing, playing possible scenarios in your head, and wondering if you really did everything you could to avoid not sticking with something you just started. I spent nights lying awake, wondering whether I should have asked more questions in my interview or been more vocal about my goals but that all brought on more stress and negative emotions. Overanalyzing will take up valuable time you could be using to plan the next step in your career or personal life.

I’m now painting a detailed mental picture of what I want to achieve. When I really want something I find a way to get there. It doesn’t always end up right (as I'm always taking risks and they don't always work out how I wish they would, like in this situation) but knowing I will do everything I can to get there means a lot to myself in terms of my determination and ambition. I'm so grateful for having passion within me. I’ve shown myself I can do this in a few different scenarios (aside from this one) this year which brings me much encouragement and confidence for my next try. 

Stay true to yourself. Don't tuck those gifts away that God gave you in your pocket for 'someday. Start using them now.  ♥

"Just wait."

"You can't know how much I love you when you are your own provider.

For now, I need you to stop.

It's time to rest, to find your pace.

Come and be my daughter, and taste what it is to have enough." ✝

This is 38.

So since it’s my b-day (Hey fellow Gemini's!) I figured I’d compile and share a little list with you all of a few of the most important things I’ve learned in life thus far.

(BTW blogging and IG-ing is fun for me. I always imagined if I were to have kids that growing up they would get to see an online scrapbook of my life. So if anything this could potentially be a cool post for my future kid(s) to read. Kind of like, “oh Mom is talking about something other than her coffee, her new candles, sharks, yoga, her travels or the clothing brands she likes, cool!” Let’s just hope that if I ever do have any that they don’t come across my posts on vagina steaming or Brazilian waxing but that’s neither here nor there...!) 😅

Ok so here’s what I got:

FIRST, you are going to get criticized no matter what you do, so do your thing! This is number one for a reason. No matter where I’ve been in life people have criticized me. If I had listened to every piece of negative feedback, I’d be like sitting in a dark cellar counting flies on the wall, drooling. We’ve all been criticized at one time or another. You gotta do what you gotta do, & either way someone, somewhere will have something to say. If you don’t want to be criticized, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing. SECOND, don't be an asshole. We’ve all been there. I had a moment where I was in the post office a few months back. I was grumpy, irritable, & annoyed at something going on with politics. When I got to the counter, I snapped at the man working because he was taking a long time. Immediately I regretted it and guilt consumed my whole body…so I apoligized sincerely. I still go to that post office & now we’ve become friendly. Being a bitch is nasty. Smile, be gracious, be kind, & be humble! THIRD, you just never know. Don’t judge until you’ve walked in someone’s shoes. Some assume they know everything about me because a lot of my life is documented through social media. They don’t. In fact, they don’t know 80% of my past or my life. I have had MANY bumps in the road. MANY. Most do not know my deepest pains, inner fears and struggles & that’s ok with me but to judge without knowing isn’t logical. Life online looks flawless, #blessed, & glamourous. Don’t judge a book by it's cover because you never know. FOURTH, you can’t change people. This was probably the hardest thing for me for a while.  I’ve had my moments of wanting to control the outcome of any family drama, relationships, friendships, work, etc. This year I’ve realized that ‘it is what it is’. Me trying to control the situation & change people into something they’re not is counterproductive & absolutely pointless. It’s a waste of breath! People are who they are. This year I’ve become more accepting especially because you never know the whole story. People are set in their ways for their own reasons. FIFTH, there’s never a “right” time for anything. Book the trip, ask him/her out, launch the business — and most importantly, live on purpose. Just f-ing do it! SIXTH, diets suck. A healthy diet is where it’s at. 🥳. A diet is like an ex-boyfriend that you don’t want to text when you’re drunk. You text him & then regret it afterwards. Diets give you that empty feeling once they stop working. It’s a quick fix & high with short term results. Sticking to healthy living, wellness remedies, green juice, weekly workouts, water, oils, herbs, clean foods, & good vibes is a long term, sustainable goal. Balance is key! SEVENTH, no one is going to do anything for you. If you want something to happen, get off your butt & make it happen. A fairy godmother isn’t going to come create a dream career for you because you went to an expensive college…life is what you make of it. If you want to be a home & work spaces designer, go for it. It’s not going to fall into your lap. If you want to be in a better relationship, work on yours or get out & say BYE. If you want to do good in the world, then do good. Opportunities usually don’t just fall from the sky, you gotta make em happen! And lastly, worry is like a rocking chair. It gets you no where! If someone would have told me this more often at 20, I would have had much less stress and anxiety (like the real terrifying kind where you don’t know wtf is happening throughout your body) throughout my life so far. Worrying is pointless. Whenever I start worrying about something I cannot control, I shift my focus. Life is going to flow how it flows.

Thank you for stopping by and for all the thoughtful birthday wishes today. My heart is full! 💓

Cheers to the next 365… together!

X💗
Christy 

I keep breaking my own heart, turning down opportunities by seeking the wrong thing.

I recently had an unexpected offer for a job at a lunch I went to that would be fulfilling one of my many childhood dreams - designing living spaces. Great salary, my own office, good benefits— almost everything I was looking for! Finally, I thought to myself. The hunt I've been choosing to stay on for so long was worth it. 

The chairman asked that I work out of the office and somewhat out of his home, but there would be no remote option. Fantastic with me, assuming the space was a creative office environment that I’m used to (very important to me) with likeminded people to interact with. And that I’m also comfortable in his home. I asked to go see the space I’d be in first before signing any papers. 

I showed up today feeling lost. ‘This can’t be it,’ I said to myself. The office was inside an old run down building smack dab in the center of strip club and sex shop lane near the Vegas Strip. I thought, ‘ok maybe the rent is just cheap for them here. Maybe it will be nice inside with awesome people. Who cares about the area. Bummed I won’t feel comfortable taking walks around here lol- but nothing's perfect.' 

I walk in. It smelled odd, one bathroom, and the office ‘team’ was 5 people, all of which were men over the age of 60. When I went to shake their hands and make eye contact, they looked at me as if they wanted to eat me for lunch. One guy didn’t even make it to my eyes. 

I don’t want to feel like I need to wear a potato sack bag to work in order to feel comfortable. I want respect. I give that out, I deserve it too. I also don’t want to work in a jail cell. That’s literally what came to mind when I was shown where I will be. I’m a creative soul- It helps tremendously to be in a creative space to do what I do. I wanted to offer to re-design their office space for them lol, but then I looked around at the people I’d be working with and realized it wasn’t worth suggesting. Empty Cheetos and McDonalds wrappers everywhere all over their messy desks and one was wearing a shirt that appeared like it hadn’t been washed in weeks. What’s happening here? This is supposedly a commercial real estate company. How come they don't value the benefits of looking polished and professional at work? I was beyond confused with many parts of my visit.

I don’t want any of this to come across as if I'm better than everyone or that I’m judgmental spoiled or ungrateful for opportunity.  I’ve had my share of working in lousy work environments and they didn’t last long with me. I was a project manager for years herding cats all day so I don’t put up with much. The space and the team is often what makes much of my 9-5 line of work enjoyable. I’ve also had my share with sexual harassment in the work space and now I certainly know one when I see one without even speaking to them first. 

I'm not sure why exactly, the obvious probably and also my time of the month and job hunt/fail depression kicking in.... tears started to fill my eyes. I couldn’t take it. I was ready in less than a minute to run to my car and cry. The pay was sooo good. Finally a job with good money here. But I couldn’t, once again, bring myself to take an offer. For the first time in a while, I felt money wasn’t my main priority. If it was, I would have taken it. My heart was telling me right then and there that my happiness is more important than money.

I continuously keep breaking my own heart turning down other offers too. Aside from this role, I turned down several other offers (from great companies) due to a combination of work-life balance and salary issues.

I’ve worked very hard to get where I am right now with many of these companies and actually be GETTING offers. I’m beyond frustrated with myself to find myself a blubbering, agonizing mess who rejects good (well, aside from today's) jobs that ‘college me’ would have jumped at.

I have friends that seem to have no problem with a lower salary or a boring work environment or care who they work with. They’d jump at the chance to be paid for whatever they are offered. I go back and forth from feeling something is seriously wrong with me to feeling that my environment, the role, teammates, quality of life and pay are all valid reasons to turn down jobs, but I’m getting soooo tired. Tired of applying. Tired of getting rejected. Tired of rejecting them. Repeat.

I’m tired looking for the right fit. The right relationship. Tired is an understatement. But you know what? I’m not going to enter a relationship right off the bat with deal breaker doubts. I can’t feel guilty for that. I want to be crazy about it. To have this insatiable desire to do whatever it takes to make amazing things happen and be willing to put in the work to get there. Own it and be so passionate about it that I no longer feel the need (at least for a while) to seek what’s better out there. Jobs aren’t marriages I know and they usually aren’t forever but I’m not looking for a fling. I’m looking for the long term thing. I want the relationship. 

So here I am... back at it again. Maybe today happened for a reason. To allow me to feel the pain I felt.  Something that I have been needing to feel hard for a long time.  Money matters, but not the most. If I had to choose only one, I now ACTUALLY believe that feeling joy is more important than feeling security. 💗 #seeking #mrjobright 

Being Real Matters More than Being the Best

"Has anyone ever told you that you have an amazing honesty quality about you? It's quite comforting. You're the only person on IG who is doing the opposite of posting boat and private plane pics. It's rare."

That would be amazing if I could share photos like that. Like if I actually DID own a boat or DID own my own plane. Those are big accomplishments. I share when I eat like a pig or punish myself when I have my moments of binging on Netflix. I'm open about how hard it's been trying to find my dream job. I talk openly about my hair thinning, my endo journey, and I drop too many pics of me hiking because I'm obsessed with nature. Or if it's not that it's photos of interiors or a really cool candle or that perfect foam top on my coffee. All of this is ordinary and boring compared to yachts and planes. I have to say though that for the first time in a long time I thoroughly enjoy embracing and sharing my ordinary real self with the world, regardless of how regular it is.

Everything that individual said to me in the quote above is true lately but there was a time where that wasn't so true. Who you surround yourself with can have A LOT to do with what influences your choices and actions. Hanging with your gal pal and going to take photos outside of fancy hotels, on yachts, in sports cars or at private lounges all just to look rich and successful got exhausting and depressing for me. I could never afford to stay the night at a 5 star hotel, rent a yacht for a day, drive a ferrari or join a private members only club.  So why was I doing this? I was lying to myself and others. Was it to make myself feel successful in the LA kind of way? Or to make others think so? For attention? To fit in? 

People love all the blingy boujee stuff it seems. All the likes and attention are toward the extravagant lifestyle photos in your lingerie and Louboutins, not the one of your coffee latte heart you made or the picture of the cool cactus you saw. Those things are so regular. Ordinary. Plus there's nothing sexy about either (sex sells). But people also love authenticity and being real. There are different kinds of people drawn to different things. Eventually you will come to a place where you wont give two fucks about what EVERYONE thinks. Or what ANYONE thinks. You will finally feel comfortable and happy in your own skin and find joy in sharing your life for EXACTLY how it is. That's when you'll start to see the good fruit.  The only apples left will be the the ones that actually matter!

I've been alone more throughout this past year and even though it's had its downsides, a positive thing about it all is that it's allowed me to spend more time with me. Less distraction, less about doing things that I never loved doing in the first place and more about the things in life that I enjoy and are meaningful.

Not everything has to be perfect. In order for others to feel like you’re being real, you must actually, well, be real. It’s okay to share things without a filter or post about challenges and struggles. Of course there’s a fine line here as you don’t want to present yourself in a negative way, but being open and honest goes a long way in establishing AUTHENTICITY. Being honest can seem like an insurmountable task, but it boils down to just being yourself. It's really easy actually. Your life doesn't have to be perfectly manicured to be amazing.