Ah true love. So many definitions when you google. So many different kinds. Loving someone vs. being in love. We all want to feel everlasting real with someone. For those of you that have it with your partner and it feels right, tell me about it. All the good stuff and bad. What makes it true for you. What is it that is key? I often think about how loving someone and being in love differs. I also think about my past relationships and what it was that that I was initially was drawn to at the beginning....how it changed or grew throughout as well as the end of each of them. Paying attention to our patterns can possibly help us in our future ones if we can come to admit the parts that we acknowledge need improvement in order to help make us better.
With much reflection over the past few years of dating, I feel that choosing someone like ourselves is important. In the olden days, ok. it seemed opposites attract. Maybe it still works. But sharing core values, interests and having a similar outlook on life certainly makes sense to me. I read in a study online last week that science backs this stuff up bit. That when people choose a partner, they prefer someone of similar level of attractiveness, wealth and status, and commitment to family.
Should we pay attention to what friends and family say about your beau or bae? 100% yes. If no one likes your partner, there may be a good reason for it. I've earned through experience myself to try and not get defensive, but to listen why they feel this way.
Is physical attraction that important? I mean no not exactly as thats all going to change with time. But it is important. Not necessarily movie star handsome or have to go all plastic on anyone, but staying at a healthy weight and looking good for your partner is essential. It keeps that spark going. You feel proud to be standing next to them. My grandma once told me in her hallway of photos of her and grandpa that a solid connection is key. Conversation. Talk talk talk. Love going to dinner and hearing what each other has to say. Not 'one is talking the whole time' and the other is totally bored. Why do some like having conversations with theirselves? Thats not a connection.
Can activities be more than just sitting on the couch watching TV? Go camping, take a long car trip, fly somewhere, paint a room together lol....something that will challenge both more than usual because thats when you get to know the real person. A friend of mine traveled across the world with her new guy immediately. At first I thought, 'my thats kind of fast.' But then I saw how wise it was actually. Plan trips every year to go on together one you are married. My family and extended family are all still married. I don't know know all their secrets... but some... and one that they all have shared is advising to go on adventures together. It keeps things interesting and you always get something to look forward to together.
I touched on how being old fashioned is a good thing in another post a few weeks ago. If you are in love, you should ask questions like, 'Are they going to be a good provider?' Can they manage money? Will they be a good parent? Since marriage is a financial agreement in addition to a love one (I think) in which your economic future is entwined with someone else's, their view for mate selection is that you have to be in love, but after that, don't park your reason at the door. Make sure you both are doing not just saying. Actions speak louder than words, and in order to feel secure in your thoughts, you must see the ambition being lived, not just talked about before you can trust. You must practice and show patience, calm in the storm and love now. Don't wait to practice this later. In order to be good at this later, we must show this trait now. I struggle with handling stress well so I have started a new meditation technique. Its challenging but I must. Life will alway be hard and its important to learn how to work though stress in a way that works for you early on. It will prepare you to be able to handle and guide others in your family in the future aside from just yourself.
Laughter. Are the inappropriate things you say about life occasionally funny to the other person or irritating? Was the scene from that commercial that hysterical? Do you have the same sense of humor? If not, its not going to get funnier 30 years from now. Its a simple test of whether your world views align.
Being in love is a feeling. Its a feeling without the benefit of experience. When you love, and are loved in return, its a consistent display of actions and all about the experience between you and that person. When you argue, all you want do is have that honest conversation, kiss and make up.
Love I think is meant to be beautiful and necessary, and if you allow it, instinctual. But its never what you think it will be. It ultimately a choice that I believe we must make every single day. It understands your weaknesses, and doesn't mock you if you are scared of driving on highways or if you get cranky when you are hungry. It knows you need your tea really hot, and it will expect you to complain about your burnt tongue later. Love will be patient when you pick all the cherry tomatoes out of your salad because you think they are like gross eyeballs squirting in your mouth. It will be quiet when you don't feel like talking. It will laugh at all your horrible jokes at a party to save you from embarrassment. Its loyal. It will forget old words and old wounds. Even when it remembers, it also remembers to stay kind. It will know that in real life there will be good and bad days. And a lot of so-so ones. Love will get through all of them. Love won't always make you happy. But if its real, it will make you better. Happy too, but also unhappy. Because love knows that its central function in your life is to help you grow. Growth hurts. Every day, make sure love changes you to become a version of yourself you didn't know existed. Expanded. And stretched somehow....all for the good.
If you have any of this going for you, it's possible that love has found you and you found it back. If you aren't sure, be patient. Wait and don't hurry. Love is patient and love is kind. If you don't feel you've found it yet, don't settle until you do.
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